


Your New Life

by Holtzmann1998



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-08 12:17:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 29,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8844718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holtzmann1998/pseuds/Holtzmann1998
Summary: You are Jillian Holtzmann’s girlfriend. Everything is perfect, the gang loves you, your girlfriend loves you and you love her, and you get to test out all of your girlfriend's new gadgets. Then, one of the upgrades on a proton packs malfunctions and you're injured. How badly are you hurt and what will become of you and your beloved?





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I've done several fanfictions on another fanfiction site, but they don't allow interactive stories. I have been working on this one for a few days and I have several chapters prepared for this story and I need you all to read it and leave feedback.

You stare at your girlfriend as she has herself buried in another project. It’s the middle of the afternoon and Abby, Patty, and Erin are downstairs eating lunch with Kevin.  
“You two better come down here before all the grub is gone!” Patty calls up to you.  
“Come on, Holtz, Patty is calling us.” You say as you gently tug her shirt sleeve.  
“We’ll get something after we test out this new proton pack upgrade!” Holtzmann calls down.  
“Don’t blow nobody up!” Patty yells.  
“Or start another fire!” Erin calls.  
“Or make out in the alley!” Abby chimes in. You blush as Holtzmann grins. You reach for a bottle of water you and Holtz had been sharing.  
“Don’t drink that!” She says, quickly grabbing your hand and causing you to jump.  
“Why?” You asked, confused.  
“You’ve had enough, drink some milk.” She nods to the fridge. When you drink too much normal liquid like water or juice, you easily choke on it. Liquid thickeners solve the problem, but you can't stand them, so you just try to live without them. Milk is often your drink of choice, but lately you have chosen to drink more water as a health conscious decision.  
“Holtz, I choke on my own spit. Drinking milk instead of this water will not help.” You roll your eyes at her. She pouts at you as you take a small sip of the water. It chokes you and you start coughing heavily. Holtzmann’s eyes go wide as you cough, she starts to pat your back as you feel tears forming in your eyes. Suddenly, you can't breath in or out. Holtz is more panicked than you are as short raspy noises escape from your throat. After less then five seconds, you are able to breathe again. You are still coughing though.  
“You two alright?” Erin asks as she rushes up the stairs. You rest a hand on Holtz's workbench to steady you as you force yourself to stop coughing.  
“Yeah,” You gasp. “I’m good.”  
“I told you not to drink the water!” Holtz scolds seriously as she hugs you.  
“I’m fine, you know it happens all the time.” You smile as you quickly recompose yourself. You can feel the liquid in your throat still.  
“Do you always stop breathing?” Holtz looks into your eyes.  
“Who stopped breathing?” Abby asks, alarmed.  
“Y/N!” Holtzmann gestures at you. “She stopped breathing for a few seconds!”  
“Oh my god, are you okay?” Abby asks as she looks at you.  
“Yeah, I’m fine. I told you guys, it happens all the time. And no, Holtz, I don’t always stop breathing. It only happens sometimes.” You roll your eyes. “Come on, let’s go test your new experiment!” You smile at everyone as you grab Holtzmann’s hands and jump off the stool you had been sitting on  
“Are you up for it?” Patty asks as she appears next to Abby.  
“Yeah, I’m fine. I really am.” You say as you look at the concerned faces.  
“Alright then, let’s go!” Your girlfriend is grinning again as she gathers up the proton pack from her desk. You both race down the stairs and out to the alley where you had set out targets earlier.  
“Okay, so what do you need me to do?” You ask as you strap on the proton pack.  
“Just point and shoot.” Holtzmann smiles. You smile back.  
“Oh, wait!” You grin.  
“What?” Holtz asks. You rush up to her and pull her yellow glasses off the top of her head and put them on your face.  
“Safety first!”  
“Safety is for dudes.” Holtz chuckles.  
“I ain’t a dude. I just don’t want to die.” You grin. Holtz’s smile falters a second but returns to normal. You aim the gun and prepare to shoot. Just as you touch the trigger you hear your girlfriend shout.  
“Wait, Y/N!” But it was too late, you had already pulled the trigger. A blue beam shoots from your gun and you suddenly fly backwards. You feel some kind of current go through your body from the pack. As you fly through the air, you feel your back, just below the proton pack, hit a dumpster. You shout out in pain and fall into sudden blackness afterward.


	2. Chapter 2

“Shit, everything hurts.” You say in your head as you regain consciousness. “What happened?”  
“Abby! Patty! Erin! Help! Help! Help!” You hear someone screaming, but it sounds distorted. It takes a lot of effort, but you open your eyes to see the yelling is from Holtzmann. She is extremely blurred and yellow. You notice dark stains on her hands and clothes. Why was she yellow? You realize you are still wearing her glasses.  
“Holtz” You try to say. No words come out of your mouth, you can’t even move your mouth, or anything really.  
“Oh god, oh god, oh god!” Holtz says as she looks into your eyes. She notices they're opened. “Stay awake, please stay awake!” She says as she holds your face in her hands, causing the warm substance to smear onto your face. “Is that blood? Is Holtz bleeding?” You feel panic start to build. “Are you hurt?” You want to say, but you can't move your mouth. You can't even close your eyes, but you’re not concerned about yourself.  
“What’s going on?” Abby asks as she and the girls rush outside. “Oh god, Y/N!” Erin gasps. “Patty, call an ambulance!”  
“Already on their way.” Patty says. “Holtzy, what happened?” Patty asks the blonde woman. “It malfunctioned, it went totally out of control.” She says quickly. “Can you see me? Say something if you can see me!” She says to you. You can't say anything. “Move, something! Please! Don’t go to sleep!” Holtz says loudly to you. Tears form in her eyes. Seeing her cry makes tears form in your eyes. You can feel yourself slipping away, but you can't do anything about it. You hear Holtz whisper something into your ear, but you aren't able to figure out what before you slip into darkness.  
“Her eyes aren’t responsive or alert.” Abby says as she crouches by your side. You can see the look of concern on everyone's faces. You see the blood slowly spreading out of your body. “Wait a second, why am I over there when I’m standing here?” You ask yourself.  
“Does she have a pulse?” Erin asks as she hangs back with Patty. Abby and Holtz grab both of your arms and search for a pulse on your wrist.  
“No, I’ve got nothing. Holtzmann, you find anything?” Abby asks, trying to blink away tears. Holtzmann is quiet as she grips your limp hand. “Holy shit, I’m dead!” You say out loud. “I’ve gotta fix this, I have to fix this. I can’t be dead, I just can’t be!” You begin to pace. An ambulance arrives and in a blur they whisk you away. Holtzmann, Abby, Patty, and Erin follow closely behind in the Ecto-1. “She’s going to be okay.” Patty whispers. You are sitting between her and Erin in the back seat. Holtzmann is driving, her hands paper white as she grips the steering wheel. “Holtzy, are you okay?” Abby whispers. Holtz doesn't answer. You lean forward and place a kiss on her cheek. She gasps slightly as tears fall from her face. Your vision begins to darken at the edges. “I’m a ghost, this isn't possible." You say to yourself as you look around. You quickly hug each member of the team. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry!" You whisper before you lose your vision completely. “Hey, we got a pulse!” You hear a man yell. "It's weak, but it's there!" "Brought back from the dead! That's a story for the books!" A woman yells. "I-I'm back? I'm alive?" You ask yourself before falling into a deep and dreamless sleep.


	3. Awake

“When will she wake up?” You hear Erin ask as you drift back to the world of the living.  
“Doctor Y/N may wake up any time, or she may never wake up.” A man says gravely.  
“Doctor?” Patty asks confused, ignoring the last part of his sentence.  
“She has a PhD in English.” You hear Holtzmann say. She's right next to you. Suddenly, you hear the steady beeping of your heart monitor speed up a bit. You can feel everyone looking at you. You don't want to open your eyes, just go back to sleep. Something on your neck keeps you from moving it.  
“Doctor Holtzmann, speak to Doctor Y/N for me, please.” The man asks. You decide that he is the doctor. There is a click. “This machine is determining brain activity, let’s see if she responds to your voices.”  
“H-hey, Y/N. How ya doing?” Holtzmann asks quietly. “Y-you really s-scared us back there. I thought I lost you.” Holtzmann’s voice becomes less and less unstable.  
“Holtz, look.” Erin says hopefully.  
“She may not be awake, but her brain is alert, she can hear your voice and she’s responding to it.” The man says.  
“Is that a good thing?” Patty asks. “Yo, Y/N, is that good?” Patty shouts to you. “Hey, that thing is showing lines!” You can practically hear the smile in Patty's voice. “Why didn’t you tell me you were a doctor? I’m the only one not a doctor!” She laughs a bit.  
“She’s an English doctor, it’s not that impressive.” Abby mumbles.  
“Abby!” Erin hisses.  
“Y/N, we’re all here. Erin is here, Holtz is here, Patty is here, and I’m here.” Abby says. She has moved next to Holtz.  
“I’ll leave you all to it, try not to overload her. We’re still trying to assess the damages that were done.” The man says. You hear him leave the room.  
“Y/N, I know you can hear us.” Erin says softly as she strokes your hair. “We’re all here for you, whatever you need we’ll get it for you. We’re your family, we’ll take care of you.”  
“Yeah, don’t stay in the dream world too long though, we’re dying for you to tell us what it’s like to die!” Abby adds.  
“So I did die and I was a ghost.” You think.  
“I don’t want to die.” Holtzmann whispers.  
“What are you talking about?” Patty asks.  
“That’s the last thing she said before she pulled the trigger. She took my glasses and wore them and she said she didn’t want to die.” Holtz chokes on her words.  
“I’m right here, Holtz.” You want to say.  
“She’s alive, and she’ll be fine.” Erin says calmly.  
“She died. She was dead for a few minutes. I did the one thing I promised I wouldn’t do. I killed her. I killed my girlfriend.” Holtz says, her voice rising in anger and self hatred.  
“No, Holtzy, that’s not what happened. You tried to stop me. It’s not your fault.” You want to say. You feel tears forming and quickly falling down your face. Your heart monitor beeps faster as your feel guilt form in your chest.  
“Holtzmann, stop it.” Patty says sternly.  
“But it’s my fault! She died and I killed her!” Holts begins to yell, causing tears to fall faster.  
“Abby, come on, we need to get a doctor.” You hear Erin whisper urgently.  
“Holtz, look.” Patty says.  
“What?” Holtz is crying just as hard as you now.  
“Y/N is crying and her heart is going a lot faster than it probably should be.” Patty says slowly. You hear Holtzmann sniffle. She places a hand on your head and wipes at the tears, you feel some of her own tears fall on your face as you slowly open your eyes.  
“Holtz” You want to say. You're too tired to speak. Instead, you just look at her and force a small smile.  
“Y/N! You’re awake! Patty, she’s awake!” Holtzmann yells. Abby, Erin, and a man in a white coat rush into the room.  
“Welcome back, Doctor Y/N.” The man smiles he takes a needle of liquid from the table next to you and injects it into an IV going into your wrist.  
“I never went anywhere.” You mumble your voice slurred from the drugs and exhaustion. Your mind feels pleasantly clouded. “Holtz, why am I crying?” You smile up to the brokenhearted woman. “Hey, why are you crying?” You ask.  
“I’m sorry! All of this is my fault!” Holtz chokes out.  
“Your fault?” You feel sleepy. “Baby, nothing is your fault. Abby, come here.” You murmur.  
“What is it?” She asks.  
“I’m a doctor damn it. I think that’s pretty impressive.” You say. Erin hides a laugh. “Holtz, it isn’t your fault. I’m the one who pulled the trigger.”  
“I’m sorry.” She whispers. “I died. You guys know that?” You ask them. Their eyes go wide, except for Holtzmann’s. Hers just fill with tears as she takes your hand.  
“Don’t fight the drugs, Doctor Y/N.” The man says.  
“I’ll fight whatever the hell I want to!” You shout to him lazily. Everyone grins, even Holtz cracks a small smile for a minute. “I’ll fight ghosts if I want to! I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. I was a ghost guys.” You said, returning your drug filled attention to your friends. Erin, Abby, and Patty tried to hide their humor as Patty secretly records the episode. “I was dead and then I was a ghost. Holtz was covered in blood, was it yours?”  
“N-no, it was yours.” Holtz whispers as she presses your hand to her face.  
“I was a ghost and I saw all of you. I was there in the Ecto -1, I kissed you on the cheek and hugged everybody and then I was in an ambulance and now I’m here.” You smile.  
“I told you it was a ghost!” Patty says loudly.  
“Patty, if I could move my arms, I’d hug you right now.” You laugh.  
“Doctor Y/N, you can move your body around a little if you uncomfortable.” The man says, his brow furrowing.  
“Nope, I can’t.” You laugh. Holtzmann’s face fills with worry.  
“Why?” She asks.  
“I can’t move.” You close your eyes.  
“What do you mean?” Holtzmann asks, alarmed.  
“Don’t let go of my hand. I can’t feel it, but it’s comforting.” You chuckle.  
“Doctor Y/N, can you feel this?” The doctor asked as he taps your knee.  
“Nope, not a thing.” You smile.  
“Is she paralyzed?” Holtzmann asks.  
“It’s possible.”  
“Can I get a metal skeleton?” You ask with a smile as you fall asleep, unable to fully comprehend what has been discovered.


	4. Is There Someone Else?

You know you’re dreaming, but at the same time it feels real. You find yourself sitting in a wheelchair, a metal skeleton you had created for you holds you in a sitting position in the chair. You’re in the Firehouse and the girls are working on their own projects. You smile as you tell Kevin what to write for the next article on what the team has discovered about ghosts. Thunder booms outside and rain runs into a bowl on your lap from a leak in the roof.  
“Hey, Kevin.” Holtzmann smiles at the man as she walks by.  
“Oh, hi, Boss! I’m helping Boss with the article thing.” He smiles to her. She looks at you.  
“Can I talk to Y/N for a moment?”  
“Sure!” Kevin beamed as he closes his laptop. He looks at you two for a moment, waiting on one of you to say something.  
“I mean alone, Kev.” Holtz sighs. You feel that something is wrong. You can tell that Patty, Abby, and Erin are now pretending to work on their projects as they now listened to the two of you.  
“Is something wrong, babe?” You ask.  
“Y-yeah, we need to talk.” Holtzmann avoids your eyes.  
“What about?” You ask as another crash of thunder booms outside, causing Holtzmann to flinch.  
“About us.”  
“What’s wrong? You haven’t been the same since I got out of the hospital.” Your brow furrows. You have no feeling or use of your body from the shoulders down.  
“I know. I just, I can’t do this.”  
“Can’t do what? Holtz, I love you. Don’t you love me too?” You ask.  
“I-I don’t know anymore. I mean you’re not the girl I fell for.”  
“I don’t understand. The only thing that’s changed is the……” Your voice falls silent for a moment. “The wheelchair.” You finally finish. “It’s because of the wheelchair?”  
“Not just the wheelchair. I need a girl who can be independent, and you can’t. You’re just not what I need in my life.” Tears stream down your face. The rest of the team remains silent.  
“I understand, Holtzmann.” You sigh. “What kind of a person would I be if I forced you to be unhappy?” You force a smile through your tears.  
“Thanks for understanding.” Holtzmann mumbles. “I gotta get back to work.”  
“Wait.” You stop her. “At least tell me if there’s someone else.” Holtz sighs.  
“Yeah.” She walks past you. The bowl of water falls to the floor and shatters as thunder booms again. You sit in your chair, unable to stand or hold something. You are completely helpless.  
“Kevin,” You whisper.  
“Yeah, Boss?” He smiles at you, not noticing your tears or trembling voice.  
“Please wheel me outside to the roof for a bit. I need some air.”  
“No, Kevin, don’t do that. She’s a lightning rod!” Abby speaks up.  
“Abby, I’m an adult.” You say sternly. “Please, Kevin, the roof.” Kevin looks at Abby and then at you. He walks over to your chair and pushes you up the ramp that had been installed to help you get around.  
“Here we are, Boss.” Kevin says loudly over the wind and rain. Your skin becomes soaked quickly.  
“Thank-you, go back inside before you get a cold. I call when I’m ready to go inside.” You reply. He nods and leaves. You can hear the girls inside yelling about you and Holtzmann. You turn your attention away from them. “Alright lightning rod, eh?” You say to yourself as you look at the metal skeleton surrounding your body. The wind pushes your chair a bit. You’re completely soaked. The lightning quickly lights up the sky and water continues to hit your face. You hear the door creak open behind you, but before you see who it is, you wake up.


	5. Don't Nobody Hurt My Babies

You look around the new room you’re in. It’s dark and you can hear people breathing.  
“Hey, there’s the girl of the night!” You hear a groggy voice say.  
“P-Patty?” You whisper into the darkness, fighting tears.  
“Yeah, baby, it’s me.” Patty gets up from a recliner in the corner of the room and walks to your side.  
“Patty, do you think Holtz will leave me if I am stuck like this forever?” You ask, allowing the tears to fall.  
“Hey, what would give you that idea? You’re that girls whole world!” You explain your dream to Patty.  
“Y/N, Holtz would never leave you.” You hear Abby say from the floor.  
“Yeah, she loves you.” Erin mumbles from beside her.  
“I love her too, more than anything in the world. I’m just so scared that something will go wrong or I won’t recover and she’ll hate me.” You whisper, feeling microscopic.  
“Why would I ever do that?” You hear Holtzmann say from beside you.  
“Holtz!” You whisper.  
“You eyes are bright enough to light up the room!” Patty laughs quietly.  
“I haven’t left your side all week, so why would I now?” Holtz smiles as she turns on a lamp by your bed. You both flinch at the brightness. You see Abby and Erin laying on the floor and Patty in a chair on your right and Holtz on your left.  
“All week?” You ask.  
“Yeah, you were unresponsive for five days, you woke up on the sixth day, and you’ve been asleep since then.  
“It’s been a week? A whole week?” You whisper. “Holtz, have you left the hospital since then?”  
“You know she didn’t.” Abby mumbles.  
“We’ve been bringing her meals and changes of clothes.” Erin adds.  
“Oh, Holtzmann. When do you sleep?” You ask, worrying about your girlfriend‘s well being.  
“When I choose to.” She shrugs.  
“Holtzmann, get in bed with me.” You order.  
“Hey, we don’t want to witness that!” Abby smiles.  
“Abby!” Erin scolds.  
“Never mind, Erin wants to see, Patty and I don’t.” Abby laughs. Erin blushes in embarrassment.  
“You’re horrible!” Erin gasps.  
“I’m not getting in bed with you, you’re not stable enough.” Holtzmann says sternly.  
“She asks everyday.” Patty adds.  
“Ah, you’re awake. Have you always been an early riser?” A man asks, the doctor you saw before.  
“No, not at all.” You say.  
“We’ve done a lot of tests on you. We’ve determined you have temporary paralysis, probably from the injury you sustained to your back.  
“When I was flung into the dumpster.” You say.  
“Yes, and you have some injury to your head, but it appears to have been repaired from the electrical shock.”  
“Electrical shock? That must’ve been the current I felt.”  
“You’re lucky, most people die instantly from a shock that powerful. The damage to your face was minimal, you may have a scar on your forehead, but without those safety glasses, it would have been much worse, you honestly would be dead from the impact to your head.”  
“Holtz’s glasses saved me?” You ask.  
“It seems so, yes. I’m not sure how it’s possible, but you’re an extremely lucky person, Doctor Y/N.”  
“When can I go home?”  
“ We’re going to start physical therapy and you have a surgery prepared to help your wrist.”  
“What happened to my wrist?”  
“It’s busted, baby. Bone poking out and everything.” Patty says.  
“Why wait this long?” Holtzmann asks, you can see frustration building inside her.  
“This will just speed up the process. We’ve already repaired the bone, the surgery is to just help it heal faster. It’s difficult because of the paralysis.”  
“How long will I be paralyzed?” You ask.  
“Honestly, you could be up and walking in five minutes or you could never walk again.” Holtz’s hand tightens around yours.  
“I told her taking that stupid job was a bad idea!” A voice from the hallway yells. You gasp as your father barges into the room. “Look at you! I told you not to date girls and I told you not to take this damn job and now your life is ruined!” He screams at you, his face red with anger.  
“Dad, that’s not what happened!” You say. Abby, Patty, and Erin jump up, Holtz holds on tightly to you.  
“Move you lousy bitch!” He looks at your girlfriend. She ignores him. “Are you deaf and dumb? I said move!”  
“Sir, you need to quiet down.” The doctor says.  
“I said move!” Your father grabs Holtzmann by the shoulders and throws her to the floor. “Holtzmann!” You yell to her.  
“Oh hell no.” Patty says as Abby and Erin help Holtz up. Patty walks over to your dad, they’re about equal in size. “You better get your ass outta here!” Patty yells in his face.  
“What are you gonna do about it?” Your father yells back.  
“He shouldn’t have said that.” Abby mumble as she and Erin pull Holtzmann out of the way. The doctor steps back too. Patty grabs your father’s arm and twists it behind his back and leads him out of the room.  
“Say one more thing or touch my babies again and see what happens. I dare you!” You could all hear Patty yell from the hallway. “Go on, I dare you big man!” You see Abby and Erin smile a little. Holtz looks ready to light your father on fire. “That’s what I thought. You ain’t so tuff now, are ya? You gonna sit your ass right there and you ain’t gonna get up until you can act like a man.” Everyone is silent as Patty walks in the room seconds later. “No wonder you never talk about your daddy.” Patty says. There’s a moment of silence before everyone erupts into laughter.  
“Patty, please don’t ever change.” You smile.  
“Don’t nobody hurt my babies.” She grins.


	6. Chapter 6

“Holtz, please get some rest.” You beg your girlfriend. She doesn't answer, she isn't even paying attention to you. She's watching the doctor talk to your father outside the door, just out of earshot.  
“What do you think of spontaneous combustion? I can make it look like an accident.”  
“Hey, Dr. Frankenstein, no.” Patty says from a chair by the window, not bothering to look up from her book.  
“Plus, bodies don’t smell good when they’re burning.” Abby adds.  
“Liquid nitrogen?”  
“No, do you have any idea how hard that stuff is to get?” Abby asks as Erin walks in the room from her coffee run.  
“Erin, make them stop plotting to kill my father! They’ve been at it for the last half hour!” You say to her as she hands cups to Abby, Patty, and Holtz.  
“Personally, I think we should try opening a small portal and-“  
“Erin, come on! You’re supposed to be the voice of reason here!” You whine.  
“Too dangerous, remember last time we messed with a portal?” Abby asks as she runs a hand through her hair.  
“Alright guys, they’re not going to let us take her home if y'all keep talkin’ about getting rid of daddy dearest.” Patty says as she glares towards the door.  
“Thank-you, finially, someone is the voice of reqson!” You say. A few moments later, your father walks in the room.  
“Can I talk to my daughter, alone?” He asks, making sure to emphasize the fact that you were his. Patty, Erin, Abby, and Holtzmann stay in their seats, not leaving your side.  
“You’ve wanted nothing to do with me for years. I don’t know why you care now, but it doesn’t matter. Abby, Patty, Erin, and Holtz are my family. They took me in when you wouldn’t. I don’t just want them by my side, I need them by my side. Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of them.” You say fiercely, although it’s hard to be fierce when you’re paralyzed from the shoulders down. Your father sighs in irritation, a sigh you often heard growing up.  
“Just as stupid as your mother.” You hear him muble, as do the Ghostbusters. They look at him, ready to do or say something.  
“Hey, big man, we need to have a repeat of earlier?” Patty looks at him. “It ain’t gonna be pretty if Patty gets outta this chair.” Your father rolls his eyes and glares at Patty.  
“You’re gonna die, dumass. Yeah, the quack told me you’re not gonna make it through tonight, too much internal damage or some crap. Have ‘em call me when you croak!” He says before turning and leaving. Holtz’s face instantly goes pale. Abby and Erin are silent, tears prickling Erin’s eyes.  
“Holy shit.” Patty mumbles as she lets herself fall back into the chair. Holtzmann looks at you, tears already falling from her face. She looks more terrified and scared than when you got hurt.  
“Holtz, it’s going to be okay. Everything will be alright.” You say weakly, trying to process it yourself. “I’m going to die.” You keep thinking.  
“Y/N, don’t leave me!” Holtz sobs as she wrapped her arms around your neck, unable to compose herself.  
“Shhh, it’ll be alright.” Abby whispers, she holds Erin in her arms as she fights back her own tears. Patty just seems pissed off at the world, she doesn't say anything to anyone, she doesn't seem to know how to react. “Calm down before you choke.” Abby says to Erin as her tears began to fall. The doctor walks in the room to see everyone in some form of grief.  
“I see we’re all crying tears of joy!” He grins.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to apologize for typing errors in this story. I am working on this on two different tablets and a laptop and none of them enjoy using Microsoft Word, it doesn't help that I'm dyslexic so I don't always catch my errors.

“Joy? Do we look like we're happy you no good, mother-“  
“What, why would we be happy? I'm going to die.” You say, stopping Patty from ranting and disturbing half the hospital again.  
“You're not going to die. I mean, you are eventually, just not sometime soon. Maybe. It depends on if you do any more stupid stunts.” The doctor looks at Patty, you're certain he is hoping she won't murder him.  
“Dr. Frankenstein, you're about to have a good cadaver.” Patty glares at him.  
“I want my father kept away from me.” You say, not breaking eye contact with the doctor.  
“Is he your only kin?”  
“I have these four. Holtzmann is my girlfriend and Abby, Patty, and Erin are my family. If something happens, they are the only ones who should know.” Holtz looks at you, her face confused as to if she should cry or smile.  
“Your father isn't a nice man, but are you sure you want to leave him in the dark like that? I mean he's all you have family wise.” Erin says quietly, knowing you are stubborn and probably won't change your mind.  
“Yeah, Y/N, he's your only blood.” Abby adds.  
“You guys don't know about my father. When I was younger, my mother left him, leaving me behind. She died a few years back of cancer. When she left, I was his punching bag. When he got drunk, he'd beat me up just because he could. Sometimes, he wasn't even drunk. One night, he decided to take one of the blankets from my bed, fold it, and try to smother me with it. When I came out of the closet, he called me a dyke and threw me out on the streets. I lived with Tish, my ex girlfriend, until I got on my feet and my own place. I put myself through school and everything. Before I took my job with you guys, I called him and told him, he called me a bunch of names, told me not to take the job, and hung up. That was the last I heard of him until today.” You say quickly, trying not to relive the past. “Just to be an ass, he told me I was going to die and he told all of you in the process and it hurt all of you. He can do whatever he wants to me, he can beat me up, call me names, or try to kill me, I don't care.” Holtzmann’s grip on your hand tightens, not that you can feel it. “I will not, however, allow him to hurt you guys. Because you're so close to me, he will try to if I don't keep him away.” Everyone is silent. You look at Holtz, who is now hugging you around the waist, her face buried in your stomach, shivering as thoughts of your horrible childhood flash into her mind. “It's okay, babe, I'm okay, I'm right here.” You whisper to her. You all sit in tense silence as the doctor says he will return in a few moments. Finally, Holtzmann looks up at you.  
“Can I really use him as a cadaver?” She smiles a huge smile.  
“You're lucky I can't slap you.” You smile back, glad to see her contagious grin.  
“It has been noted and your father will not be back.” The doctor says formally. “As I was telling him, you'll be fine. We'd like to wait on you to regain some movement before we send you home, we have a surgery planned and some physical therapy. You'll have some scaring and pain, but you will more than likely make a full recovery.” Abby grins, Erin fights the urge to dance out of sheer joy, and Holtz just grins.  
“Finially, some good news!” Patty yells.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank-you for the comments. The comments let me know y'all are reading and you like what you read. I love getting feedback on this story, it helps inspire me to write.

Three weeks and one surgery later, the girls are still at the hospital with you, hardly ever leaving your side. Holtzmann almost never leaves. The others leave on occasion to make sure Kevin, or one of Holtz’s devices, don't destroy the firehouse and to take care of some ghost jobs. Today, you are by yourself. Holtzmann has gone to take a shower and will be gone for a good hour.  
“It’s too quiet.” You think to yourself as you let the buzzing and beeping of machines drive you insane. Usually, Holtzmann would be around to distract you.  
“You have a visitor.” A nurse says with uncertainty. You are sure it is Holtzmann, she scares all of the nurses just by being herself. Her talk of cadavers doesn't help matters.  
“Let her in.” You smile. The nurse nods and motions for someone to come in. A woman with caramel skin, chocolate eyes, and black hair walks in the room. She is wearing a short, tight red dress and tall, red heels.  
“Long time no see, baby.” Her sweet voice says. You feel instant panic.  
“T-Tish.” You mumble. Your body begins to tremble as your heart monitor speeds up.  
“I see you’re excited to see me.” Her voice is sweet like syrup, but bitter like cold medicine. That is the best way to describe her, like a bottle of cheap cold medicine. Outside, she is pretty, but once you opened her up and took a sip, your body convulsed from the bitterness inside.  
“Y-yeah, that’s the wrong w-word.” You say, trying to sound strong.  
“How have you been? Aside from being blown up by your new girlfriend?” She purrs as she sits on the bed. You instantly wish you could move your limbs. “It’s funny, you always called me abusive when this girlfriend has practically ruined your life.”  
“She didn’t do it on purpose!” You snap. No one said anything bad about your Holtz as long as you were around.  
“And I didn’t do anything on purpose either.” She fakes a pout.  
“You slit my fucking wrist!” You yell, losing all control you had. You aren't ready for this. You aren’t ready for your entire past to come back to haunt you in such a short amount of time.  
“You can’t prove that.” She smirks. “You couldn’t prove it when we were young and you can’t prove it now. I could do something as easy as knock a machine loose and it could possibly kill you.”  
“You wouldn’t.” You glare at her. “It’d be too damn obvious because you’d be the last one to see me alive.”  
“I’ve done a lot of things. I got you to try to kill yourself how many times?” She smiles, showing her white teeth. “Well, go on, how many times?” She pushes.  
“It doesn’t matter.” You spit. “I have girlfriend who actually gives a shit and nothing you can do will change that.”  
“It will change if I just so happen to kiss you, or her. Maybe take on a new victim.” She hints.  
“You leave her alone. I swear to god if you so much as look at her the wrong way I will kill you myself!” You shout.  
“You can’t do anything, you can’t even walk.” She smiles. You smell grease and instantly know Holtzmann is near. “You’re just a pathetic little-“ She is cut off by your right fist making contact with her face and your left hand grabbing her throat.  
“You touch her and I will murder you. You won’t hurt my Holtzmann like you hurt me!” You scream as you go to hit her again. You’re stopped by a nurse holding you back. A second nurse takes Tish out of the room, she’s mumbling curses under her breath as Holtzmann walks in. You’re clenching and unclenching your fist.  
“Awe, I missed it!” She whines. You look at her, not able to register what she’s talking about.  
“Holtz, stay away from her. Please, stay away from her.” You avoid eye contact.  
“Look at what you did, babe.” Holtz grins. “You can move your hands!” She claps. She hugs you tightly and you hug her back, shaking in fear and anger. The ruff texture of Holtz’s clothes feel as good as fine satin to you.  
“Jillian, please, promise me you’ll stay away from her.” You whisper.  
“I promise. I heard everything.” She sighs, holding you tighter. “She won’t get away with it, don’t worry.”  
“I’m not bailing you out of jail.” You look at Holtz as she pulls away.  
“I was thinking of releasing a ghost at her place.” She grins. “We’ll plan later. We have to surprise the girls with this!” She smiles. You’ve never seen your girlfriend so happy before. “They’ll be here soon.” You smile as your girlfriend rambles on about many different things.  
“Hey, Holtz.” You stop her from rambling about something science related. You are an English doctor; therefore, you have no idea what she’s talking about anyway.  
“Yeah?” She looks at you with her big blue eyes behind a set of yellow lenses, one of her many backup pairs.  
“I’m sorry about your glasses.” You say to her. Her face becomes serious.  
“I don’t care about the glasses. I don’t care if all of them get smashed. I can always get and make new glasses. I can’t make or get a new you. You’re the only you I have.”  
“Holtz.” You whisper. It was rare for her to be so serious.  
“I’m telling you, we should open a small portal and –“ You hear Erin say.  
“No, no more portal jumping. We aren’t going into a portal and we aren’t throwing anyone in one.” Abby says. You and Holtzmann look at each other with a grin, ready to show your family what you had accomplished thanks to Tish.  
“How you feelin’, baby?” Patty asks as she enters the room with Abby and Erin behind her. Erin is picking chunks of green slime out of her hair.  
“I’m pretty good. My ex came to visit and I tried to choke her.” You say casually. They look at you, confused.  
“I’m sorry, I’m confused.” Erin says.  
“Yeah, she told me she’d hurt Holtz and I choked her.” You shrug, exaggerating hand and arm movement. There is silence all around as Abby, Erin, and Patty stare at you.  
“This is awesome!” Abby grins as she looks at your arms.  
“Amazing! What caused this?” Erin asks, examining your other arm. You are thankful the stitches are gone from the surgery because Erin may have taken them out to learn about your body. “Are we not going to acknowledge that she tried to kill someone?” Patty asks.  
“No, we heard what happened.” Abby shrugs. You look at her.  
“We had the room bugged with microphones and an emergency camera. You’re under our constant supervision.”  
“I have a feeling you did this.” You look at Holtz.  
“Holtzy’s sorry.” She says with an Italian accent and a huge grin.  
“No, you’re not.” You smile at her. She shrugs.  
“If something were to ever happen to the Y/N, it would be my fault because I am in charge of the Y/N.” She grins, continuing the accent.  
“Please, just stop that accent.” Patty rolls her eyes. “It wasn’t funny when you tried to use it to get out of trouble when Kevin found your death machines and it’s not really funny now.” Holtzmann looks Patty in the eye, walks up to her, and licks the side of her face. You, Abby, and Erin begin to laugh as Patty starts to yell at Holtzmann, who laughs like an evil little child.


	9. Home

The days seem to drag on and melt into each other as you spend day after day in the same room.  
“Holtz, tell me a story.” You mumble, bored of everything.  
“You’ve heard them all.” She mumbles, just as bored as you.  
“Abby?”  
“There was once a man who delivered soup,” Abby begins.  
“Not the soup story again.” Holtz whines.  
“I could tell you about quantum physics.” Erin offers sleepily.  
“She’s been brutally injured and may never fully recover. Don’t make her days even more painful.” Patty says, continuing to read another book. A look of guilt spreads over Holtz’s face.  
“Patty!” Abby says.  
“Alright, Dr. Y/N, since you have regained movement and feeling on your upper body and control of your bowels, we can place you in a wheelchair and send you home. We will need to monitor you, and you’ll require constant attention. We will need to do just one more test and you’ll be able to go home then.” A new doctor says. You have gone through many doctors, some trying to figure out the short-term effects, others the long-term effects, some the psychological effects, and some tried to figure out how you managed to survive. Each time, they gave you a more and more grim prognosis and Holtzmann’s spirit seems to have more guilt piled on it. You wait for the moment when it crushes her spirit.  
“That’s amazing!” Abby grins. You smile to yourself and glance at Holtzmann. Her face is hard to read.  
“How long will that take?” Patty asks with Erin, now asleep asleep on her shoulder.  
“About three hours. After that, you can go home. We’ll put you in a wheelchair and wheel you down to the scanner. Would you like to come?” The doctor looks at Holtzmann and the others.  
“Come on, Erin. It’s time to get up.” Abby says to her.  
“Is something wrong?” She mumbles.  
“It’s the opposite. I can go home.” You smile to her.  
“That’s great!” She says as she stretches. A wheelchair is brought to your room and Holtzmann insists on being the one to help you in it.  
“I can push you if you want.” Holtzmann says quietly.  
“I want to do it myself. I want to be as independent as possible.” You smile up to her. She nods, somewhat saddened. You struggle at first, but you manage to wheel yourself down to the room. They hook you up to a machine in the room and in another room the girls and the doctor watch you through a window while other doctors watch the scan on a monitor. You sit alone in the room as still as possible, hating every moment of it. A loudspeaker comes up.  
“Alright, Doctor Y/N, sentences will be coming up on the screen, can you please read them?” Words come onto a screen and you look at them.  
“T-the b-b-bi-big d-d-do”  
“Can you see the words alright?” The voice asks.  
“Yeah, I can see them just fine.” You say.  
“Alright, no more tests for now.” Eventually, the machine shuts itself down and the door opens. Holtzmann walks in right behind a doctor with Patty, Abby, and Erin trailing behind.  
“Everything alright?” You ask.  
“Doctor Y/N, there’s something that came up on the scan.” The doctor says. “You have acquired dyslexia.”  
“Acquired dyslexia?” You ask.  
“Yes, it is from the head trauma. With what you suffered, I’m honestly surprised that is all you have. It’s a downright miracle that you’re even alive.” Holtz’s face falls again.  
“So, I can go home now?” You ask.  
“Yes, of course. Your friends have already done the paperwork. We’re sending you home with some mediation to help you sleep and to help you deal with the pain.”  
“This is good, this is amazing. I’ll be up and testing new stuff in no time.” You smile to your girlfriend as you touch her hand. She flinches and takes a step back. Your heart shatters.  
“There won’t be any more testing. If anyone is going to test my creations, it’ll be me and only me.” Holtzmann says with gritted teeth. She quickly walks out of the room. You look at the girls in stunned silence.  
“I’ll go talk to her.” Erin says.  
“She hates me.” You whisper, feeling your frail body begin to shake. Your body is weak from the lack of movement despite the physical therapy.  
“No, no, no, Y/N, she doesn’t hate you.” Abby says as she kneels beside you and grabs your hand.  
“She ran away because I’m an idiot. It’s my fault I’m here and my fault I’m in this stupid chair and have acquired dyslexia and everything and she thinks it’s hers. I’m a horrible girlfriend.” You bury your face in your free hand.  
“Hey, it’ll be okay. Just calm down.” Patty whispers as she hugs you and let her cry on her. You burry your face in her shoulder and grip her demin jacket tightly with a shaking, weak fist.  
“I don’t want to calm down. I want to be dead. If I were dead, then she wouldn’t hurt so much and she wouldn’t blame herself so much.” You sob.  
“Hey, no, don’t talk like that.” Abby says.  
“Look at me.” Patty says.  
“No.” You mumble.  
“Look at me.” Patty says sternly as she pulls you off of her. “Holtzmann loves you more than any other human. She loves you more than her machines. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t let you test them. When you got hurt, she was beside herself. She never panics and when you got hurt, that’s all she did. She couldn’t cope, coping isn’t something she knows how to do. Just give her time. Once she figures out what she’s feeling, it’ll be okay." “Girls, Holtzmann is in the car waiting.” Erin says quietly as she walks in the room. She hands you a white paper bag.  
“Erin, will you help me?” You whisper. She sees your tear stained face and nods. You open the bag and read the labels on the pill bottles. You take one of the pain pills because you feel like crap. You close the bottle and place it back into the bag. You’re quiet as you all leave the hospital. Patty lifts you out of your chair and into the Ecto-1. You sit between her and Erin in the back. Abby sits upfront next to Holtzmann. She doesn’t look like the girl you fell in love with, or the girl who fell in love with you. “Will our lives ever be the same? No matter what happens to me, I will always love you. You’re the first person to actually love me back.” You think to her. You set the white bag in your lap and hold onto Erin’s hand. You lean into Patty and fall asleep not long after she puts her arm around your shoulders.


	10. Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy

“Kevin, I’m not doing wheelies!” You say to the man-child for the tenth time that day.  
“Aw, come on, boss, it’ll be cool!” He whines.  
“I have work to get done.” You roll your eyes at him. You wheel yourself to the table where Patty is sitting and researching. You pick up a book and look at it. You struggle to read it. The words just don’t seem like words anymore. They’re a jumbled mess and when you go to the next word, it’s like a puzzle trying to figure out what it says.  
“You okay?” Patty asks. “You usually zoom through books.”  
“Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just hard to read.” You sigh as you set the book down. “It’s part of this dyslexia stuff, I guess.” You can’t help but smile. “How ironic is it that I have a PhD in English and I can’t read and can barely write?” Patty smiles sympathetically at you. Erin and Abby are working on something on the whiteboard and Holtzmann is working on a new machine. You wheel over to her. She hasn’t said much of anything to you since your last day in the hospital. “H-Holtz?” You ask her. She grunts in reply, not looking up from her work. “You still love me, right?” You ask. She doesn’t answer. You notice the headphones in her ears. She never wears headphones unless she’s blocking something out.  
“Kevin, hand me that bag.” You say as you point to a bag on your desk.  
“Sure thing, boss.” He smiles as he grabs the bag and walks over to you with it. You take out the sleeping pills and a flask.  
“Thank you, Kevin.” You smile to him. You look at the girls. Holtzmann still hasn’t noticed you, Abby and Erin are still working, and Patty is reading. “This is how things should be. They don’t need me, I’m useless here.” You think to yourself as you shove the flask into your pocket. “I’m going to take a bath.” You say loudly. No one listens to you. “Kevin.” You say. He doesn’t answer. “Kevin.” You say again. He’s too busy irritating Abby. “Patty?” You say to her. She doesn’t answer. She’s too into her book. You don’t bother calling for Erin, she’s too busy looking at Kevin. “Holtzmann.” You say to your girlfriend. She’s still not paying attention. You gently pull her sleeve. She looks down at you from her work as she takes out one of her headphones.  
“What’s up?” She asks. She’s distant and you can tell her mind is elsewhere. It’s always been elsewhere.  
“I just wanted to say I love you.” You look into her eyes. You don’t even see love in her eyes anymore.  
“Neat.” She mumbles as she goes back to her work. The world just hasn’t been the same for you. There’s nothing here for you. You can’t exactly get up and walk to a new place and restart.  
“I’m slowing you all down, aren’t I?” You ask. There’s no response. You wheel yourself to your desk. “They said you’d be depressed from the trauma and the meds.” You thought to yourself as you think of what the doctors had told you on your visits. You glanced at the clock, but it’s gone. Holtzmann must have taken it for an experiment. You sigh as you sit alone at your desk. What is there for you to do? Typing is out of the question. You pull the flask out of your pocket and take a sip. You never knew why you had a flask, you didn’t even drink. You just put blue raspberry flavored water in it. You feel yourself starting to slip away somehow. You aren’t afraid though.  
“Hey, it’s time to wake up.” You hear someone say. You open your eyes to see Abby sitting on the couch next to you. You’re on another couch.  
“I don’t wanna get up.” You grumble.  
“You’ve been asleep since yesterday. You have to wake up and get something accomplished.”  
“I can’t.” You mumble.  
“Why?” Abby asks. You look at her again to see she’s reading a magazine.  
“Because I hurt.” You sigh.  
“Where?” She’s looking at you now.  
“In here.” You point to your chest.  
“Do I need to call a doctor?” She stands up.  
“A heart doctor for takotsubo cardiomyopathy.” You mumble. You feel groggy.  
“Oh, my god, Patty! Get in here!” Abby calls worriedly. You begin to fall back asleep. Patty rushes into the room.  
“She’s got takoto something or whatever!” Abby says to her.  
“What?” She looks at both you. You’re almost asleep now.  
“Takotsubo cardiomyopathy.” You mumble.  
“No, you don’t. You’re fine.” You have a feeling Patty is rolling her eyes.  
“What is that? Is it serious?” Abby asks.  
“It’s broken heart syndrome.”  
“I swear to god, sometimes you’re as bad a Holtzmann.” You can tell Abby is glaring at you. You’re too tired to care.  
“Scold me in the morning.” You mumble.  
“It is morning.” Abby says as she makes you sit up.  
“Tomorrow morning.” You mumble.  
“Now.”  
“But I’m tired.” You whine.  
“Morning everyone.” Holtzmann says as she walking the room. You instantly open your eyes to see her.  
“Holtz!” You smile to her. Your smile is full of love and excitement.  
“Hey, Y/N.” She smiles back. Her smile is tired, sad, and guilty, but inviting. You feel relieved. “I got these.” She says reaching into her pocket and pulling out headphones. “I thought maybe you could rest better if you didn’t hear my music.  
“No!” You say quickly, causing Abby to jump. “I mean, I love your music. You wouldn’t be you without blaring your music for everyone to hear.”  
“O-oh.” She lets out a small laugh. “I’ll just use these for a project then.” She tosses them on her cluttered desk and walks over to you and kisses the top of your head.  
“Holtz, promise me something.” You say to her.  
“Anything for you.” She whispers.  
“Promise me that you won’t wear those headphones.”  
“I promise. What’s gotten into you? Do you have a thing against headphones?”  
“It’s a long story.” You smile to her. “Help me into my chair, I want to watch you work.”


	11. Chapter 11

“Here you go.” Erin says to you, snapping you out of a daydream. She sets a paper plate with a piece of pizza, a small paper cup with a pill, and a glass of water in front of you.  
“Oh, thanks, Erin. I don’t really need the pain pill, though.” You say.  
“Yes you do, when you’re in pain you find ways to distract yourself. Sometimes you clench your hands, other times you’ll find something to play with.” She says softly, making sure no one hears the two of you. You sigh.  
“So I’ve been found out.” You smile sadly as you pour the pill from the cup into your hand. You examine it. “I hate pills. They’re hard to swallow and I just don’t like prescription drugs. I don’t even swallow cold pills.” You say. Erin places a hand on your empty one.  
“We know this isn’t easy for you, but it will get better. You just have to do what the doctor says for now.”  
“What if I don’t get better? What if I just end up sl-" You stop yourself and look away from Erin’s blue eyes.  
“What?” She asks.  
“Nothing.” You say. You quickly pop the pill into your mouth and take a gulp of water.  
“If you ever need to talk, you know all of us are here for you.” You nod.  
“Yeah, thanks, Erin.” You say. She smiles to you and leaves to work on a project at her desk. She pauses, noticing something is misplaced and then goes to search for it.  
“Hey, Y/N, help me hide this.” Holtzmann says in a whisper as she pulls a fire extinguisher from under her metal desk.  
“Is that Erin’s?”  
“Maybe.”  
“Is she going to spend forever looking for it?”  
“If I hide it well enough.”  
“Have Kevin put it on a tall shelf and tell him to forget about it.” A smile breaks out on your face.  
“Holtzmann, put it back.” Abby says from her desk, not looking up from her laptop.  
“But it drives Erin nuts and it’s funny!”  
“Put it back. We all have work to do.”  
“I finished.” Holtzmann says. “Y/N already has her stuff done too.”  
“Then let Erin work. Why don’t the two of you go test out-” Abby stops herself mid sentence. “Why don’t you go find something to create?” She says quickly, a horrible recover.  
“Hey, guys, there’s a call. Something about a goat in the windmill. Why are we always overrun with goats?” Kevin calls to you guys.  
“Kevin, it’s GHOSTS. G-H-O-S-T-S. We’re the Ghostbusters, not the Goatbusters.” Holtzmann says to him.  
“Where is the windmill?” Abby asks him.  
“Some kind of court.” He shrugs.  
“You’re lucky you’re pretty.” Patty says from her corner. She puts down her book and joins you, Holtzmaann, and Abby. Erin follows not long after. “The golf course. There’s this old one on the edge of town that used to be a cemetery.” Patty rattles off.  
“Let’s go!” You grin.  
“You should stay here, I don’t think it’s safe for you to come.” Abby says as Patty goes to suit up.  
“Holtzmann! Give me back my fire extinguisher! You’ll kill us all without that!” Erin says as she notices the object in Holtzmann’s hands.  
“Have you seen the stuff I build? It’s a miracle we aren’t already dead. Anything I have created can blow up at any time.” She smiles. Erin shakes her head and walks away. Holtzmann sets the extinguisher down, kisses your head, and follows Erin.  
“I can handle it, though.” You say quietly to Abby.  
“Just wait a while, take some time out and then you’ll be back with us.” She smiles to you before walking away. You hear them all downstairs on the first floor laughing and having fun as they quickly suit up and grab their gear. You hear the Ecto-1 start and pull out of the building. You’re left with only Kevin to stimulate your mind.  
“Hey, Kevin?” You call to him.  
“Yes, boss?” He smiles.  
“Go put that fire extinguisher on a tall shelf Erin can’t reach and Patty can't see.”  
“Okay, Boss.” He nods.  
“And when you’re done you can have the pizza on my desk.”  
“Thanks, Boss!”  
“And make sure you forget this when you’re done.”  
“Sure thing, Boss!”


	12. Chapter 12

“Family meeting!” Erin yells from the first floor of the Firehouse. Abby and Patty walk down the stairs. Holtzmann, who enjoys making an entrance and making things much more difficult than they need to be, carries you in her arms.  
“Stairs, Holtz.” You say sternly. She throws you over her shoulder. You yelp in fear.  
“Come on, babe, it’s a fire house! We have to do it firefighter style!” She runs over to the fire pole and slides down.  
“Holtzmann, no!” You yell as you watch the floor get closer and closer. You hear the other three girls gasp as Holtzmann sticks the landing. You’re gripping her red robe tightly. “Never do that again.” You glare at Holtzmann as she carries you into the kitchen. There’s a pizza sitting on the table. As everyone sits down, Holtzmann helps you sit in a chair and sits next to you. You lean on her and she puts an arm around your waist.  
“What an entrance, Holtzy!” Abby smiles. You roll your eyes.  
“What’s up, baby?” Patty asks Erin as she grabs a slice of pizza.  
“Someone stole my fire extinguisher.” Everyone looks at you and Holtzmann.  
“Why are you looking at us?” You both ask.  
“Really, Erin? A fire extinguisher is why you called us all down?” Abby says. “We have a whole cabinet full of them!”  
“They’re all gone!” Erin says.  
“No they’re not.” Kevin smiles as he suddenly appears.  
“Where are they, Kevin?” Erin narrows her eyes at him.  
“In the cabinet.” He points to the cabinet under the sink where they are usually kept.  
“There aren’t any.”  
“Are you sure?” He furrows his brow. Erin sighs and walks over to the cabinet and throws it open. It’s full of fire extinguishers. Erin just stares at them.  
“See? I told you they were there.” Kevin smiles before walking off. Erin looks confused and irritated and sad all at the same time.  
“Come eat some lunch, Erin.” You smile to her as you put a slice of pizza on your paper plate. She reluctantly joins you.  
“How’d you do that one, prank masters?” Abby asks. Holtz shrugs.  
“I didn’t know about it.” She says. Everyone looks at you.  
“I didn’t do it. I can’t get down here by myself.” You say. Everyone is silent. “Can we keep it as a pet?” You ask.  
“Keep what?” Abby asks.  
“The ghost!” You say.  
“Nope, no way. Patty ain’t gonna be no perch again. No ghost Pets.” She says. Everyone laughs.  
“They aren’t cute when they possess you.” Abby says before biting into her pizza.  
“But, they were gone.” Erin whispers. You notice how much this is bugging her.  
“Alright, it’s time I come clean.” You say. “I had Kevin move the fire extinguishers. He must have moved them all back.” You say. Everyone looks at you. “Also, I’m a lesbian.” Everyone, especially Holtzmann, laughs. Erin’s mood seems to lighten as her logical mind is able to fit pieces together. There is a crash from upstairs by Holtzmann’s desk. Everyone looks at her.  
“Cool!” Kevin yells. Everyone but you rushes to see what happened. You’re left alone in the chair.  
“Kevin, what did you do?” Abby says. You can’t hear what he says.  
“Holtzmann, why do you have one of those out in the open?” Erin says. You have to see what’s going on. You lower yourself to the ground and sort of army crawl to the stairs.  
“We have to go catch that thing!” Patty says. You reach the stairs and as you do, something blue comes rushing down the steps. It collides with your body and knocks the air out of your chest. You try to move, but can’t. You fight over control of your body, and lose. You watch as your body props itself up, sort of sitting on the stairs.  
“Did you see a ghost come through here?” Holtzmann asks as she rushes down the stairs.  
“It went way.” You point out the door. You try to signal to Holtzmann that something is wrong, but you can’t.  
“Come on, guys, we have to catch her!” Holtzmann says as she suits up with the girls doing the same. They quickly leave in the Ecto 1. You’re scared and alone. The ghost tries to make you stand but can’t.  
“If it were that easy, I’d do it.” You think to yourself. The ghost seems to notice the same thing and forces you to crawl up the steps. By the time you reach the top, your arms are exhausted and ache. The ghost forces your body to float to Holtzmann’s lab. “You can float and you made me do all of that?” You think angrily. The ghost looks at different experiments on Holtzmann’s desk and notices some type of grenade thing. You know it’s not ready and could kill anything within a three mile radius. The ghost seems to notice something you don’t and it suddenly throws you into your wheelchair. In doing so, it pushes the chair so it’s dangerously close to falling through the hole in the floor where the fire pole is. The Ecto-1 pulls in the Firehouse and the girls walk out.  
“Guys, it’s still here.” Abby says. You hear a machine whir.  
“Where’s Y/N?” Holtzmann and Patty say at the same time.  
“She’s not in the kitchen!” Erin says, her voice strained with worry.  
“I’m up here.” You call down to them. The ghost sounds a lot like you.  
“Are you okay?” Abby asks. She and the others rush upstairs. The freeze when they see you.  
“Stay still, I’ll help you.” Holtzmann says.  
“No!” The ghost makes you yell. “I’m done! I can’t take this anymore!” You feel the ghost tap into your emotions and quickly learn to play them. “I can’t do anything, my life is ruined! I have no reason to live! Just let me end it all!” Everyone has a face of horror. Holtzmann looks like she’s about to burst into tears.  
“Y-you don’t have to do that. We’re here for you, we’ll help you.” Abby says slowly.  
“I don’t want help! I want to die!” You feel your heart break at their faces. There is tense silence. Tears are already streaming from Erin’s face. She got so close to you so quickly and here you were wanting to kill yourself. But it wasn’t you. Holtzmann takes a step closer. “Stay back!” She takes a step closer. The ghost has enough. It throws your arm out and a knife flies from Holtzmann’s desk into your hand. It forces your arms to move close together. The blade is inches from the artery in your wrist. “Don’t fucking move.” You growl, but this time it isn’t your voice, it’s a deep, demonic voice. Everyone is once again taken back, but somewhat relieved. Holtzmann stays still. You can’t read her eyes behind her yellow goggles. She pulls a piece out gum out of her pocket and chews it for a minute. She spits it out at you, it lands inches from your chair and explodes, filling the room with smoke. You feel something rush out of your body.  
“Right there!” Abby says, shooting at something. You hear another beam go off. You can’t focus and your feel yourself lean forward, you’re too exhausted to care.


	13. Chapter 13

You feel six arms grab at you. The chair falls to the ground and you hear it thud. You feel yourself being dragged across the floor. There is silence and darkness.  
“She’s alive.” Someone sobs. You force open your eyes to see ten people staring at you.  
“I got to play with the proton pack.” Two Kevins smile to you.  
“Only because I was afraid Erin and Holtzy were going to fall into the hole.” Two Pattys say to them. “And that, Y/N, is why we don’t keep ghosts as pets.” You can’t help but smile. Your body aches and you feel numb. You gasp in pain as you take a deep breath and feel nothing but pain. You clench your hands.  
“Stop hiding stuff from us!” Two Erins shout through tears. They get up and walk down the stairs.  
“What’d I miss?” You ask drunkenly as you rub your eyes. Everyone’s twin vanishes.  
“Let’s move you to the couch, baby.” Patty says softly. She picks you up. You don’t let on just how much it hurts. Every twitch of your muscles sends waves of pain down your body. Your breathing is labored and shallow because even breathing hurts. You force back tears as you are set on the couch. Once your body is sprawled out, you do your best not to move.  
“T-that w-was” You pause because it hurts to speak. You finish your sentence with gritted teeth. “h-horrible.”  
“Take this.” Erin hands you a pill and a glass of water. You shake your head, causing you to gasp in pain. Even after you got out of the hospital you never felt so much pain. You still refused to take the pill. “Stop being so stupid and take the damn pill!” She yells. You don’t make eye contact with her or anyone as your force yourself to swallow the pill. You choke on the water, of course. It hurts to cough it up and it hurts to let it stay in your lungs. She hands you another pill, a sleeping pill. You give her a look. She glares at you and you swallow it. Everyone is silent.  
“What was with that ghost?” Patty asks, breaking the silence. Holtzmann climbs onto the couch and adjusts you so your head is resting on her chest. Her steady heartbeat is calming.  
“When a ghost possesses a human, sometimes they can tap into buried emotions and feelings and use them to pass themselves off as the person they possess.” Abby says. Her voice sounds almost as numb as you feel.  
“Oh. Wait, so she actually, you actually?” Patty trails off.  
“It’s not like that. I mean, sometimes I’d hear this voice in the back of my head that'd tell me you guys were better off without me and I was just slowing you down and I was ruining Holtzmann’s life and stuff. It was never something I’d act upon.” You avoid Holtzmann’s gaze.  
“We need you, though. I love having someone like me around who loves history and books!” Patty says.  
“And I love having someone who understands my need for equal wonton to broth ratios.” Abby says, some happiness forming in her voice as she remembers happy times with you. Erin was silent for a moment.  
“You’re so much like me. You’ve been deprived of love and companionship your whole life, forced to be someone you’re not.” She sighs, kneels down beside you and Holtzmann, and takes your hand. “Y/N, the world isn’t a forgiving place. We both know that. Don’t make the same mistake I did and push away the people, in my case person, who love you. You won’t always be lucky enough to get them back.” A small smile forms on Abby’s face.  
“Don’t you fucking leave me.” Holtzmann mumbles sternly. She grabs your face and turns it towards her. “Don’t you dare fucking leave me.” Her voice reminds you of Tish’s back in the day, but it was full of pain and fear and love. Love, it was something Tish never provided you with. Something your father never provided you with. It was something you were currently surrounded by.  
“Does falling asleep count as leaving?” You smile sleepily as you feel the pill begin to work.  
“No, no it doesn’t.” She smiles. “I can get up-”  
“No, I want to lay here in your arms.” You say, interrupting her. “I want to enjoy what I have for as long as I have it.” You say. Holtzmann runs her fingers through your hair and gently holds your hand as you drift into a dreamless sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for my lack of updates. My second semester of college has been more hectic than I though it would be. Last semester I rarely had a test and when I did it was online. Now I have a paper and/or a test almost every week in every class.

You open your eyes to see Erin looking at you. The only light in the room is coming from a lamp on the end table next to the couch.   
“What's up, blue eyes?” You smile to her. You look out the window to see its night. You felt drunk. That's why you hated the pills you had been given. The only bright side is that you were sore, but not in excruciating pain.   
“The girls are out on a case. I stayed behind because I have to tell you something.” Her blue eyes stared into yours. You didn't quite understand what was going on. You smelled alcohol.   
“Are we drunk? Have I been drinking?” You laugh.   
“N-no, but I've had some.” Erin stutters. She's drunk.  
“Maybe you should wait to tell me. You're drunk on alcohol and I am drunk on meds.” You smile.   
“No, I have to tell you now. I won't ever if I don't know.” You see tears in her eyes.   
“Yo, you crying?” You asked, confused. You hear the siren of the Ecto-1 in the distance. Erin doesn't seem to hear it, or she doesn't pay attention to it.  
“I'm just so nervous and excited and happy and sad.” She whispers as she leans in close to you. You guess that there is about thirty seconds before the girls return.   
“About what?”  
“About what I have to tell you.” She laughs.  
“What do you need to tell me?” Erin smiles and takes your hand. She rubs the back of your hand with her thumb as she leans in even closer. She looks at your lips and bites hers. The siren is right under you two. It cuts off suddenly. Erin seems to be too drunk to notice.   
“I love you, Y/N.” She kisses you, a long, lingering kiss. You try to pull away but when she notices you do, she grabs the back of your head and holds you to her. You hear the girls downstairs and hear them make their way upstairs. You aren't strong enough to push Erin away from you. You hear the girls on the steps.   
“What the hell?” Holtzmann yells.   
“Erin?” Abby yells.  
“Holy drunken shit!” Patty whispers. Erin's quickly pulls away and looks at the girls. She's silent, you feel like crying. What do they interpret it as? How does Holtzmann feel about this?  
“H-Holtz” You mumble in shock.   
“Come on, Erin, I'll drive you home.” Abby says as she walks over to Erin, puts an arm around her, and the two of them walk away. Patty and Holtzmann are silent. Holtzmann doesn't look at you, she goes over to her workbench and starts to take things apart. Patty sits next to you as the effects of the medicine wear off.   
“Holtzmann, I-”  
“I don't want to hear it.” She says sternly. “We'll all sit down and discuss this in the morning.” She doesn't look at you. “What happened?” She finally asks. You recall the details of what happened, and how uncomfortable it felt. Holtzmann is silent again. “Did you like it?” She can't help but smile. Patty gives her a flat look. “I had to ask. I know how drunk Erin acts.” She winks.


	15. Chapter 15

You wake up to see Holtzmann still pouring herself into a project. The early morning sun is just beginning to shine in the window. You hear the door to the firehouse open and feet shuffling on the floor.  
“I still can't believe you!” Abby could be heard saying.  
“Yeah, that was messed up, baby.” Patty says.  
“Shh!” Erin could be heard.  
“Are they here yet?” Patty asks. You know she's referring to you and Holtzmann.  
“The better question is if they ever left.” Abby says.  
“Morning.” Holtzmann whispers to you flatly. You jump, unaware that she had moved from her workbench.  
“Not cute.” You glare at her. She smiles slightly. You can tell she's trying to act mad to make you squirm a bit.  
“Ready to face the music?”  
“Don't remind me.” You sigh. You fall quiet when you hear shuffling on the steps followed by the sound of people climbing up the stairs. Erin is the first to pop up, then Abby, then Patty.  
“I got doughnuts.” Patty says quietly as she holds up the pale blue box in her hands.  
“Sweet.” You force a smile at her.  
“W-we, um, need to have a, um, a, um, a m-meeting a-about, um, last night.” Erin says quietly. You don't say anything. You love Erin, but your love for Erin is no different than your love for Patty or Abby, but your love for Holtz is a lot different. You sigh, seeing Erin makes you feel dirty, like some kind of slut and a cheater. You almost want to cry. You feel your body begin to shake, then a strong hand is placed on your shoulder.  
“Let us take showers first, Erin. We've been here all night.” Holtzmann says as though nothing happened. There’s a hint of venom in her voice, but only you and Erin seem to notice it.  
“A-alright. We'll b-be here.” You glance at Erin as Holtzmann picks you up. She looks tired, almost defeated. You feel Holtzmann kiss your head, you know she's looking at Erin while doing it. You hold onto her neck as she takes you upstairs to the showers and bedrooms. She sets you on the bed the two of you sometimes share as she goes to run bath water.  
“Holtz?” You call to her meekly. You don’t know what going through Holtz’s head or just how much she hates you or just how mad she is.  
“Yeah, babe?” She says, she quickly pops her head from the doorway.  
“I'm sorry.”  
“Shhh, it's okay. We'll talk, just you and me, in a second.” You sit and think about what to say as Holtzmann prepares a bath. She enters the room and picks you up and carries you into the bathroom. The tub is filled with bubbles and hot water. Holtzmann set you on the edge of the tub and helps you take off your clothes and socks and shoes and throws them in a pile next to the hamper. Patty always yells at Holtz because she throws them next to the hamper instead of in the hamper. She does the same with her own clothes and shoes. She helps you in the tub and sits behind you. You sigh as the hot water feels good on your tense muscles. “Now talk. Anything you want to say, you can say it now.” Holtzmann says to you. She's given up on her strong girl act.  
“I-I feel dirty.” You mumble as you run your hand along the pure bubbles. They pop at your dirty touch. You cringe and gently place your hands in the water. Holtzmann runs her fingers through your hair. She loves washing your hair.  
“That's why we're taking a bath.” You hear a hint of laughter in her voice.  
“No, I feel dirty, like a slutty, no good cheater.” Her hands fall from your hair and gently wrap around your waist.  
“Why would you think that?” She says softly as she places her head on your shoulder.  
“Jillian, another woman kissed me.” You whisper. You know it wasn't your fault, you were still caught in the after effects of the pills, but it wasn't entirely Erin's fault either. She was under the influence of alcohol. Holtzmann tenses up temporarily at you using her first name, you never used her first name.  
“It's okay, you didn't make her kiss you. It's not like you had the option of getting away. If you weren't cornered on the couch, I'd be concerned, but I know you. I could tell just by looking at the two of you that you didn’t want anything to do with it.” She twists her body so she's somewhat looking into your eyes. “And I know you wouldn't cheat and I know you love me and I you.”  
“I feel so bad though.” You feel a tear fall from your face and hit the water, sending small ripples through the tub.  
“Hey, hey, hey, don't cry.” Holtzmann whispers.  
“But if I were in your position I'd be upset and you're not and it shows how horrible of a person I am and I've put you through so much shit and you're still here with me and you still love me even though I'm practically useless and-” Before you can continue, Holtzmann dumps a cup of bath water on your head. She continues to do so until your hair is soaked. She then hums loudly and acts as though she can’t hear you saying her name.  
“Holtz, this is serious!” You whine.  
“When it feels like the world is on your shoulders and all of the madness has got you goin' crazy” Holtzmann sings loudly as she puts shampoo in your hair. It smells like citrus.  
“Holtzmann!” You say loudly. You know she can hear you and you know she’s grinning ear to ear.  
“It's time to get out step out into the street where all of the action is right there at your feet” She continues to sing. You give up by the third verse and sit in silence as Holtzmann’s loud singing turns into a soft hum. She washes the shampoo out of your hair and puts in an excessive amount of conditioner. She rubs it into your hair and scalp and begins to unpin and wash her own hair. Within minutes there’s a huge pile of hair pins tossed by the hamper and Holtzmann’s long blond hair is covered in shampoo suds.  
“Holtz, did you and Erin once have a thing?” You ask gently when she seems to have settled down a bit. Holtzmann’s humming stops.  
“Yes, and no.”  
“Will you tell me?” She sighs as she rinses out the shampoo from her hair and places conditioner in it. There’s silence followed by a cup of water being poured over your conditioner soaked hair.  
“I had a thing for Erin when we first met, but the feeling wasn’t mutual. She had, and still has, a thing for Kevin. I moved on, and apparently so did she.” The last part sounds bitter. She continues to wash the conditioner out of your hair. You are silent, waiting to see if there is more to the story. “Where did you get the idea from?”  
“I’ve seen the way she looks at us sometimes. Like when we sit on the couch and watch something stupid on TV together or when we go through museums and how happy we both are to see all of that cool stuff.” You decide to think of something else. “When can we go to a museum?” Holtzmann laughs as she begins to wash the conditioner out of her hair. She quickly leans and kisses the top of your head.  
“Whenever you want.” She happily hums and you join her as you finish your bath in pure bliss.


	16. Chapter 16

You all sit around the circle table in the kitchen, everyone seems to be avoiding someones eyes. Patty and Abby only look at each other, Holtzmann only looks at you with the occasional glare directed towards Erin, Erin looks at her hands and nervously plays with them, and you look at your hand, which is clasped in Holtzmann’s and sitting on top of the table.  
“Did you two sleep well?” Holtzmann breaks the silence as she looks happily at Abby and Patty. She reaches into the box of doughnuts. She takes two and hands one of them to you.  
“I slept fine, Holtzy.” Patty says in an unsure tone. Abby shoots her a look.  
“Patty and I spent the night together-”  
“Wooo! Way to go Patty and Abbs!” Holtzmann says loudly with a huge grin on her face.  
"Oh my god." Patty’s hand instantly goes to her face as she rubs her head in frustration. Abby stares at Holtzmann with a semi annoyed but somewhat amused look.  
“That's now what I meant and you know that.” She says. “Patty and I spent the night together talking about what to do with the three of you.” You shoot Patty a confused look.  
“Oh, come on, baby.” Patty whines. “Don't give me that look! We gotta figure something out. We gotta get stuff right.” She says, avoiding your eyes.  
“I don't know what look you think I have, I'm just confused as to why we need to be dealt with.” You say as you furrow your brow.  
“You and Erin are going to work this out alone.” Abby says sternly. You feel frightened at being alone with Erin and your grip on Holtz’s hand tightens.  
“No.” Holtzmann says, noticing your discomfort. “We're all staying put.” There's uncomfortable silence. You feel a sudden pain in your nose and your eyes fill with tears.  
“Hey, don't cry, it's okay.” Abby says gently.  
“I'm sorry, but we have to do this.” Patty sighs. Just before the tears threaten to fall, you sneeze.  
“Excuse me.” You say.  
“Bless you.” Erin says softly.  
“You okay? You're not getting a cold or anything, are you?” Holtzmann asks.  
“I'm fine, Holtz.” You smile slightly.  
“Good, because you don't let me do this when you're sick.” Holtzmann wraps her arms around your waist and kisses you passionately. You know it's just to brother Erin, but it feels too nice to stop her. Holtzmann let's go of you when the sound of screeching causes you to jump. You see Erin stand up and leave the room. There a bit of silence as you all hear the door to the bedrooms on the third floor slam.  
“That wasn't necessary, Holtzmann.” Abby says to her. Holtz just shrugs. “That's not fair to anyone, especially Erin. She's hurting right now.”  
“What about me? You don't think I feel anything?” Holtzmann finally snaps as she jumps up from her chair. After months of bottling her feelings, they finally escape. “I feel awful. I feel horrible. I feel pain. Look what I did to Y/N! I've ruined her life because I couldn't make something right. She was dead and I'm the reason why! I've felt so much guilt for what I've done and I've almost moved passed it and then I see Erin kissing her. The girl I used to adore was kissing the love of my life. Don't you think any of that hurts me?” Abby is silent. Holtzmann doesn't give her time to answer. “No, you don't. You all just think I'm some crazy scientist with no real concept of socialization or feelings. Well, get this: Jillian Holtzmann has feelings. She feels hurt and guilty and no one is concerned about that. No, everyone just cares about Erin!” She storms off to her workbench on the second floor.  
“I'm going to go get some work done and let everyone cool off.” Patty says as she quickly walks off.  
“Abby-” You say.  
“No, it's okay, Y/N, Holtz didn't mean you.” Abby cuts you off as she stands up and pats your shoulder.  
“I know, but-”  
“Everything will be fine. Let's just try get some work done.” Abby sighs as she walks off. You sit at the table in confusion for a moment.  
“Abby, my chair is upstairs!” You call to her. There's no reply. You sit for what feels like hours, but it's really only minutes, waiting on someone to decide to come back downstairs. Finally, Kevin walks in the front door. “Kevin, come here!” You call to him. You hear his footsteps pause and then come toward you.  
“Morning, boss!” Kevin smiles to you.  
“Morning. Do me a favor and carry me upstairs to my chair.” You say.  
“Sure thing, boss.” He says as he scoops you up. You like it better when Holtzmann does it. Kevin carries you up the stairs and tries to help you with your chair. As you look towards the window, you see Holtzmann angrily working at her desk with music blaring through headphones hanging on her neck. Just beyond her, on the balcony, is Erin. She has come down from the third floor. Both of them are hurting, but you can only help one at a time. You know you have to choose because if you choose to help Erin, it'll only hurt Holtzmann and if you choose Holtzmann, it'll only hurt Erin. You take a deep breath and wheel your chair.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is French and Spanish in this chapter. The translations are at the end and in the order they appear in the story.

You stop in front of Holtzmann’s desk. She doesn't seem to notice you.  
“Hey.” You say softly. She glances up at you and gives you a small smile before returning back to her work. “You okay?”  
“I have to be.” She sighs.  
“No, you don't.” She looks into your eyes. “You don't have to be anything. If you want to be sad, you can be sad. If you want to be angry, you can be angry. If you want to lash out, lash out.” You think about what you just said. “If you do lash out, just don't blow anyone up or light anyone on fire or anything like that.” You add. Holtzmann grins evilly.  
“I have a pretty good plan.” She laughs.  
“Am I going to loose my eyebrows again?” You ask, recalling one Holtzmann’s plans that involved a homemade blowtorch.  
“Trust me, it'll be awesome.” Holtzmann continues to grin as she goes back to work.  
“Just don't set anyone on fire.” You sigh. You glance at Erin sitting alone outside. “I'm going to talk to Erin.”  
“Want me to come with?”  
“No, I'll be fine.” You smile.  
“Alright.” You begin to wheel yourself to the balcony when Holtz stops you. “Hey, Y/N?”  
“Yes?” You turn to look at her. She's staring sadly at you.  
“Thanks.”  
“Of course.” You share a loving stare before you speak up. “Holtz?”  
“Y-yeah?”  
“Are you honestly happy, or is it all a façade?” She pauses before answering.  
“Je suis heureux quand je suis près de toi. Tant que je sais que vous serez là à la fin de la journée, je serai heureux.” You're taken back by her fluency in French.  
“I have no idea what you just said.” You smile. You are also fluent in French, but Holtzmann speaks in different languages when she doesn't know how to say something in English. She often mumbled to herself in French. She smiles slightly and gently kisses your cheek.  
“Un jour, je vous enseignerai le langage de ma frustration, mon amour. Je t'aime. Allez vérifier le chou rouge. Je veux bien, elle a besoin de toi plus que moi en ce moment.”  
“Something about frustration and red.” You say to her. She grins. “I'm going to check on Erin.”  
“I'm going to work on a prank.” Holtzmann says.  
“Why did she call Erin a red cabbage?” You think to yourself as you wheel yourself to the balcony. You quietly open the door and close it behind you. Erin doesn't hear you. She's leaning heavily against the black wire fencing.  
“It was stupid of me to think that I had a chance at what the two of you had.” Erin sighs as you wheel yourself over to her.  
“No, it wasn't stupid.” You say. You look at the busy city below you. “You have a chance at what Holtz and I have, just not with one of us.” Erin cringes at your words. You keep talking. “I know there was once something between you and Holtz, and I know you wanted there to be something between you and me, but Holtz is with me and I'm with Holtz.”  
“Soy una col.” Erin says suddenly, looking at you like she just poured her heart out.  
“That's why Holtzmann called her a red cabbage.” You think to yourself.  
“Erin, sweetie, you have to speak English.” You say to her, placing a hand on her back. She sighs.  
“Me gusta comer gatos”  
“English, Erin.” You say again.  
“I don't know how to say it!” She says exasperatedly. “I like Holtzmann and I had a chance with her at one point and I blew it because I thought I wanted Kevin. Then I met you and I thought you were awesome and cute and smart and pretty and I though it'd be cool if we became a thing. Then, before I knew it, you and Holtzmann were a thing. The two people I loved were dating each other and I'm here, alone.” She finally blurts out, avoiding your eyes.  
“Erin, baby, you're not alone. You have Holtz and you have me. You also have Abby and Patty. It doesn't matter that you're not in a romantic relationship right now. What matters is that you just be yourself and you don't let that get to you. The right person will come along when the time is right." Erin falls to her knees on the ground. She rests her head on you lap and looks out toward the city.  
“Its not the same. I don't have someone to come home to. I don't have someone to tell me they love me and surprise me with stupid little things. I don't have someone to bring light to my days.”  
“We can get you a dog and a flashlight.” You suggest as you stroke her hair.  
“It's not the same.”  
“How about Holtz’s lizard? She's like a blonde Ms. Frizzle with that thing.” Erin let's out a small laugh. “Except Ms. Frizzle never had the ability to blow up all of New York.” Erin begins to chuckle. “There's that laugh.” You smile to her. She lifts her head up and looks at you with her big, blue eyes.  
“Thanks, Y/N, I needed this.” She says weakly as she stands up. “I better get some work done.”  
“Oh, Erin, two more things.” You say to her as you turn your chair towards the door.  
“Yeah?”  
“Next time you have booze, you gotta share.” You smile. Erin lets out a laugh. “And the second thing is that you need to just speak English. Your Spanish is terrible.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am happy when I am near you. As long as I know you'll be there at the end of the day, I'll be happy.
> 
>  
> 
> One day, I will teach you the language of my frustration, my love. I love you. Go check the red cabbage. I do not mind, she needs you more than I do right now. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'm a cabbage
> 
>  
> 
> I like to eat cats.


	18. Chapter 18

“Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss. Boss.”  
“Kevin, I swear to god if you say ‘boss’ one more time I will rip your tongue out, cut out the bone, and sew your tongue back in your mouth with no numbing medication.” You glare at the man-child. He gives you a puppy dog eye look and walks away.  
“That was harsh.” Patty says as she walks up the stairs with two big bags of fast food.  
“Since you left, he's been asking me to do a wheelie. I told him no for five solid minutes and then I just ignored him until a few seconds ago.”  
“Well, Miss PhD, do you know that the tongue has no bones?” Abby smiles to you from her desk. Patty looks at her.  
“You've been sitting there the whole time and didn't help her?” She asks. Abby shrugs.  
“Not my battle.” She says with a loving smile.  
“That's just not right.” Patty shakes her head.  
“Yes, Abby, I do know the tongue is a muscle and has no bones. Kevin, on the other hand, does not.” You say, interrupting what could easily turn into a small argument.  
“Just checking since you have a PhD in English.”  
“How long are you going to be caught up on that?” You ask, somewhat annoyed.  
“I'm not caught up on it, I'm just surprised you have a PhD and you never told us.”  
“Because I assumed you knew because it was in my application when I applied for the job?” You say with uncertainty. Abby avoids your eyes. “You didn't look at the application at all, did you?”  
“She didn't need to, baby. It was kind of like when they hired Kevin. You were the only one that applied.”  
“I don't know how to feel about that.” You say flatly. “Anyway, what did you bring for lunch?” Patty takes out a paper bag from one of the plastic bags and sets it on your desk. You look at the logo on the bag.  
“Holtz loves this place. I've never been one for getting fish at a burger joint, though.”Patty tosses another paper bag on your desk.  
“That one has a couple chicken sandwiches and fries.”  
“Awesome! Thanks, Patty!” You smile to her.  
“Anytime, baby.” She smiles as she hands Abby one of the big plastic bags. It's from the Chinese place. Abby opens it and takes out a container. It's mostly broth. Abby glares at the container and pulls out her phone to yell at Benny.  
“Oh, you're back, Patty!” Erin smiles as she comes down the stairs. “I was just up on the roof with Holtzmann helping her with an experiment.”  
“What's this latest one?” You ask. Patty hands Erin a bag from the same place your bag and Holtz’s bag came from.  
“I'm not exactly sure, but she's really anxious. She's working with some pretty potent stuff.”  
“I feel like we should be concerned.” You say slowly.  
“Nah, Holtz is fine.” Patty says as she takes a final paper bag out of the last large plastic bag. “They put our orders in the same bag.” She hands Erin the bag. Erin takes out a salad with chicken in it and hands the bag back to Patty.  
“Thanks.” She smiles.  
“Maybe I should go check on Holtz.” You say.  
“It's probably best if we let her be. She's kinda skittish about the dangerous stuff after that proton pack incident.” Abby says quickly. “Benny! What the hell? Do I need to go down there in sexy lingerie to get actual soup?” She turns her attention back to the phone. “What do you mean you didn't need that mental image? I didn't need the image about where you lost your virginity but you sure as hell gave us that one!”  
“She's going to go to jail or harassment.” You say flatly.  
“Nah, she's their best customer. They'd shut down if it weren't for her.” Patty mumbles with a mouthful of cheese steak. You hear the door to the roof slam and Holtzmann trudge down to the third floor and then to the second floor where the four of you are.  
“Yo, Holtz!” You call to her. She looks at you with a smile. “Lunch time.” You toss the bag to her. She catches it, opens it, takes the sandwich and fries out of it, grabs her goggles, gives you a grin and a thumbs up, and rushes back upstairs.  
“She's working hard today.” Erin says happily as she thumbs through some papers and picks at her salad.  
“Hey, Erin!” You say to her.  
“Yeah?”  
“Enjoying the rabbit food?” She wrinkles her nose at the salad.  
“It's alright. I don't like the salad from this place, but I thought I'd try it.”  
“Catch!” You toss one of your sandwiches to her.  
“You don't have to do that.”  
“Eat the sandwich. You're like the second smallest one here. You don't need a salad anyway.” She smiles in appreciation.  
“Yeah, well right back at ya, Benny!” Abby says loudly into her phone. She angirly taps the touch screen and looks at you, Patty, and Erin. “I miss the days when I could just slam the phone down in anger.”  
“You can do that, but you'll need a case and that's not guaranteed to keep your screen from breaking.” You say as you eat your lunch. Patty stifles a laugh.  
“You know what I mean.” Abby grumbles. “Why is it so difficult to make proper soup?”  
“Maybe you should stop antagonizing them.” Erin says.  
“Maybe they should learn to make my fu-“ A loud boom cuts Abby off mid sentence.  
“What the hell was that?” Patty asks. You see everyone tense up as the building momentarily shakes.  
“It came from the roof.” Erin says. The color drains from her face as it does yours.  
“Come on, baby, we gotta see if she's okay!” Patty scoops you up in her arms and she bolts up to the roof with Abby on her heels and Erin close behind with a fire extinguisher. Patty kicks open the door and stops dead in her tracks. Hot air hits your face and you hear fire crackling. “Erin, fire!” Abby yells. You feel Erin push past you and Patty. You look around for Holtzmann but only see flames.  
“H-Holtz?” You call. “Holtzmann?” You feel your heartbeat increase and beat wildly. “J-Jillian?” You scream into the flames, your voice cracking. “Jillian!” Erin fights the flames as Abby calls for help on her phone. Patty stands there, holding you, and scanning for Holtzmann. “Jillian!” You scream again.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may not be adding to this for a little while, just a week or two. I have some things going on with university and a depression screening coming up this week. I will still continue this, I just need some time to get myself together. I hope you all understand.

With some help from the fire department, Erin manages to extinguish the flames. There is silence all around. No objects are missing from the rooftop. Nothing had been damaged, only singed or burned. The rooftop was only missing one thing: Holtzmann.  
“Ladies, the mayor would like to speak to you.” A man in a black suit says, appearing in the doorway.  
“Not you goons again!” Abby rolls her eyes. “We're kinda busy here so go take your genitalialess selves elsewhere.” The man looks at her irritatedly.  
“Now or you're getting cuffed.”  
“Can we just taser them?” A second man beside the first asks. The first man seems to think about it before responding.  
“No, we can't. The mayor wants to see you.”  
“We're not fucking going!” You scream at them, feeling Patty jump in surprise. “We're not going anywhere until we find Jillian! If that dumbass wants to talk to us so bad, send his ass here!”  
“Hey, calm down, baby. It's okay.” Patty holds you closer to her. Your eyes still search for Holtzmann, hoping you'd somehow find her. Suddenly, Erin speaks.  
“You heard Y/N. If he wants to talk to us, he'll have to come here.” She says sternly. The men glare at everyone and leave. You suddenly have an idea.  
“We have to check outside around the building. Holtzmann could have been flung off the roof!” You say loudly. Abby, Patty, and Erin look at each other, nod, and they all rush to the ground floor. Patty grabs your chair and soon, the four of you are searching for your beloved scientist.  
“If anyone finds her, holler.” Abby says as you all decide to split up. As you wheel yourself into the alley, you notice something glinting in the sun, you wheel yourself to it quickly and pick up the object. It's Holtz’s glasses. She spent hours reconstructing them after they were broken in your accident. You held them to your chest. Holtzmann wouldn't go far from her glasses.  
“She has to be close by.” You whisper to yourself. “Abby, I found her glasses!” You call.  
“I've got a cat.” Erin calls.  
“Good for you! Now you can stop using the brush on yourself!” Abby calls to her.  
“I ain't gonna ask.” Patty says.  
“I found Holtzmann’s glasses!” You yell louder. Everyone rushes to you.  
“Patty, you search over there, Erin, you search over there, I'll search over here.” Abby directs the other two women.  
“What about me?” You ask, desperate to find your girlfriend alive.  
“Look around for another sign of Holtzmann.” You nod. You all search the alley and expand your search for a three block radius until the sun goes down and it's too dark to see anything.  
“It's no use, we've been out here for hours. She's nowhere near here.” Patty says when you all meet up at the firehouse again. You're silent as you feel the cold metal glasses in your hands.  
“We have to look again in the morning. We’ll start at sunrise and we won't stop until sundown.” You say quickly, trying to sound more hopeful than desperate.  
“Y/N, it won't do any good. She's nowhere near here.” Erin says quietly. You feel your body go limp in disappointment. You hold onto the glasses as Abby wheels you into the firehouse. Patty and Erin follow behind.  
“Ladies, it's nice of you to arrive.” A mans voice says. You glance up long enough to see the mayor. You don't care.  
“What is it now?” Abby asks, irritated at the invasion of privacy and his presence in general.  
“The mayor would like for you all to keep today's incident under your hats.” Jennifer, Mayor Bradely’s assistant, says in her usual ‘I'm better than you’ tone.  
“That'll be kind of hard considering we just spent most of the day looking for Holtzmann.” Erin replies.  
“I'll spend the rest of my life looking for Holtz and I'd like to see your snooty ass stop me.” You spit. She glares at you.  
“We don't want word getting around about you all creating bombs and killing each other with them.”  
“She's not dead!” You yell. Patty places her hands on your shoulders.  
“Ladies, just try to keep this under your hat.” Bradley sighs as he rubs his face with his hand. He avoids your eyes. “Have you found the body?”  
“No.” Erin says. Patty’s hand quickly moves to your mouth so you can't speak.  
“I'll send my men to help look. You all act as though nothing happened and let me deal with the rest. Goodnight, ladies.” There is silence as the major and his assistant leave the room. You feel defeated. Patty’s hand falls from your mouth.  
“You heard him. We just have to act normal.” Abby shruggs. There's more silence.  
“How?” You whisper. Everyone looks at you. “How can you guys be the Ghostbusters without Holtz? Who is going to fix the equipment? Who is going to drive? Who is going to hide Erin’s fire extinguishers? Who are you guys going to be without Holtz?” You pause. “Who am I without Holtz?” You say mostly to yourself. You feel like you could cry, but you don't. You had already cried too much. You look at the three women. No one says anything. “I guess I'll see you guys in the morning.”  
“Where are you going?” Erin asks.  
“I'm going to spend the night here in case she comes back.” You say. No one bothers to disagree with you.


	20. Chapter 20

Three days. Three whole days had passed since the fire and the disappearance of Holtzmann. You sit on the same balcony you had comforted Erin on just days earlier. After two days of trying, the other women decided there was no use in trying to convince you to come inside. There was a fight between you and Patty, it ended in Abby and Erin holding you down while Patty forced food into your mouth. Then there was a fight between you and Erin about your medication, which Erin did not win. You sit in numb silence, occasionally thinking of the three women, but mostly thinking of either nothing or Holtzmann.  
“Hey.” A soft voice says, drawing you out of your thoughts. You know it’s Abby.  
“I’m not hungry.” You reply, not looking at Abby. She walks over to you, pulls up a chair, and sits down next to you.  
“That’s not why I’m here.” She replies.  
“I don’t need meds.”  
“Not here for that either.”  
“Why?”  
“I want to keep you company for a few minutes. Is that okay?” She smiles slightly. She’s doing her best to keep going without Holtzmann, too.  
“It’s a free country.” You sigh.  
“I know it’s hard.” Abby sighs. “I love her, too. Not the same way you do, but I still love her.” You remain silent. “I know what you’re going through.”  
“Your girlfriend blew herself up and made her body disappear?” You ask sarcastically.  
“No, not exactly. But my best friend did make herself disappear for years.” You look at her. “I had this really good friend in high school. She was pretty much my only real friend until I met Holtz. We both had this love of ghosts and everything. I wasn’t afraid to show it. But, as people continued to make fun of us and we grew up, she decided she had enough.”  
“I wanted to put anything and everything ghost related behind me. I just wanted to be normal and fit in for once in my life. I left. I packed up, moved away, and didn’t look back. No goodbye, no calls, no letters, nothing. I just left. I left Abby and I didn’t come back until years later when she published our book without my consent.”  
“I didn’t need it.” Abby interrupts.  
“Yes, yes you do, it’s an actual law.” Erin says. “Anyway, it threatened my job, and I was furious. I went to Abby’s work-”  
“And lectured me. We hadn’t seen each other for years and she lectured me.” Abby interrupts with a smile. “I wasn’t entirely thrilled with it, but it brought a sense of nostalgia and old times. I was kind of happy to see she hadn’t changed. I wasn’t ready to accept her into my life. I had met Holtz and she was all I needed.”  
“But after she lost me my job by putting a video on the internet without my permission-”  
“And you lost Holtz and me our jobs when we got you to join us-”  
“You can’t blame that on me, they would have found out eventually.”  
“Maybe, but by then we would have had-”  
“You’d be dead because Rowan would have created the forth cataclysm.” Patty interrupts on her way to the third floor. Abby shoots a glare in her direction.  
“Actually, that was caused by someone publishing the book.” Erin says.  
“Okay, not the point!” Abby says loudly. “My point is, Erin was the only true friend I had and just disappeared for years. It was hard, I was heartbroken, but as time went on, I moved on with my life.” She pauses. “My point is, you can't just sit out here all day every day making yourself sick with worry.”  
“Its not like that Abby.” You say, finally looking at her. “Holtz, she's out there. I just know it. She's gotta be out there. If she's not, I don't know. She just has to be out there.”  
“Alright, that's enough. We're having a change of scenery.” Patty says as she joins everyone outside. "You two," she says as she points to Erin and Abby. "either work on actual work or improve your people and storytelling skills." She picks you up and carries you and your chair down to the first floor. “You and I are going on a little trip.”  
“Where to?” You ask. You don't want to leave in case Holtz came back, but you don't have much of a choice.  
“A park.” Patty replies as she takes you to the cab waiting outside. She helps you into it and places the wheelchair in the front seat before sitting next to you.  
“Patty, why are we going to a park?” You ask blankly.  
“You need fresh air.” She replies, reading a book.  
“What's wrong with air at the firehouse?”  
“It's toxic.”  
“How so?”  
“With that thing on the roof, it probably is toxic. And you need a break from it, take in a new surrounding. It'll be good for you.”  
“I don't want a new surrounding. What if Holtz comes back?”  
“Baby, I don't think she'll come back today.” Patty sighs.  
“Why not?”  
“I just don't feel like she'll be back today.” You both are silent for the rest of the ride. The driver soon stops in front the iron gates of a beautiful garden. There aren’t many people there. Patty takes your wheelchair out of the cab, sets it up, and helps you into it. She pays the driver and wheels you into the garden. She takes you to a bench and places your chair next to it as she sits down and begins to read her book. You look at the pond in front of the two of you and watch the ducks through the spaces in between the fencing around it. You glance at Patty, who is absorbed in her book. You slowly wheel yourself to the pond and watch the ducks, memories flooding back to you.


	21. Chapter 21

You let your legs dangle off the old wooden pier and allow the cold water to wash over your ankles. The sound of the fish moving in the water and the ducks quacking gave you a sense of tranquility. You tossed duck pellets into the water, enjoying feeding the ducks almost as much as the ducks enjoyed eating. The seemingly empty park was void of sound besides the gentle breeze shaking the trees and the sounds coming from the pond and your rustling bag. As if on cue, a large blast of noise startled not only you, but the ducks. You looked around to the find the source. Your eyes rested on a woman with crazy blond hair, yellow glasses, fingerless leather gloves, a dark green shirt, a red robe, and what looked like kakis that had been set on fire and covered in dark oil. She smiled to you confidently. You smiled back nervously. In a few fluid movements, she picks up the contraption she had dropped and walks to your side.  
“Hi, Jillian Holtzmann. Avid skier, Virgo, and jazzed to meet you.” Her smile seems to grow bigger as she pushes her glasses to the bridge of her nose, letting you see her sparkling blue eyes. Her free hand is held out to you. You pause and accept it. The leather feels soft and worn in your hands, it’s a texture you always loved to feel again and again.  
“Jillian Holtzmann, I bet you give that speech to every girl who catches your eye.” You smiled bravely.  
“Not every girl, only the cute ones.” She winked as she unexpectedly pulled you to your feet. She’s stronger than she looks. “You’re welcome, by the way.” She walked to the edge of the pier and began setting up her medium sized contraption.  
“For what?” You asked, somewhat annoyed at her rudeness, but forgiving the cute stranger.  
“I saved your life.” She laughed..  
“From what? The ducks?” You asked as you walk behind her, her back to you.  
“No, from the ghosts.”  
“What ghosts? Duck ghosts?” She paused, obviously thinking of the idea of ducks haunting people, or maybe even other ducks as ghosts.  
“No, real ghosts. They almost destroyed the world a year or so ago.” She glanced at you.  
“Oh, the terrorist coverup.” You said, remembering the idiot mayor’s horrible excuse. You had been out of town at the time and didn’t think as much of it as you probably should have.  
“It had nothing to do with terrorists. Just a very angry janitor.” She said seriously. You let out a laugh. “What’s so funny?” Her head tilted to the side as she turned her attention from the device to you.  
“That sounds like an amazing story idea, almost too stupid to believe.” She didn’t seem too pleased to be called stupid. “I mean, it just sounds like something that you’d see in a bad movie.”  
“It’d make a great movie! My friends and I saved the world all by ourselves!” She defended herself. “We’re the Ghostbusters.” You paused.  
“The Ghostbusters?” She nodded her head. You pulled a paper out of your pocket. “Like the Ghostbusters who are looking for a writer?” She smiled a bit as you tried not to show your embarrassment and fear.  
“Yes, those Ghostbusters.”  
“Shit.” You mumbled as you face-palm. “I just applied there.”  
“Don’t worry. I won’t tell them what you said about us. I’m not allowed to help hire people anymore after that time I hired the raccoon and it ate Abby’s soup and tore up Erin’s favorite briefcase.” She said solemnly.  
“I know I may regret asking this, but what happened to the raccoon?” You asked curiously.  
“He was let go once Patty learned he had rabies. She was afraid he’d bite Kevin or one of us.” She shrugged. You blinked blankly, trying to figure out if she was telling you the truth or not. You later learned she was. She turned her attention to her machine.  
“So, what do you have there?” You asked, changing the subject.  
“It’s a surprise. I’m glad there’s a pretty girl with me to see it in action. Plus, if it explodes, someone can call 911 for me.”  
“That’s so sweet- wait, what do mean by explode?” You asked.  
“Boom!” She said loudly, once again disturbing the ducks as a grin spread across her face. You stared at her, trying to figure her out. After a few minutes, she finally had her contraption set up. It was only about two feet tall with an old tripod for a camera as its legs. The machine itself was just a gray box with a few light bulbs and wires and a sticker that read ‘DANGER: RADIOACTIVE’ in big red letters. Attached to the box was a remote with a single blue button that was connected by what appeared to be an old phone cord. She took the remote in one hand and your hand in the other and lead you several feet away from the machine. She took the glasses off her face and placed them gently on yours. The world looked so weird in yellow. “Safety first, cutie.” She said with a seductive wink. Her blue eyes shined like the pond as she prepared herself to test the machine. “Testing in five.... four…. three.... two…. one….” She smashed the button down with her thumb and waited for something to happen. Nothing did.  
“What was that supposed to do?” You asked curiously.  
“Just wait.” She grinned. You jumped as a large boom sounded, almost like a gunshot. “Yes!” She yelled in excitement as she drug you by the hand to the machine. “See this small door?” She asked. You noticed the outline of the door and a small knob to open it.  
“Yeah.”  
“Open it.” She said as she grinned like a little kid. You cautiously opened the door.  
“Oh my god, how did you do this?” You asked as you pulled a baby duck out of the compartment. It had a blue ribbon and tag around its neck.  
“Science.” She smiled. “R-read the tag.” She blushed.  
“I think you're cute and I want to know if you'd go on a date with me.” You had read out loud. You looked at her in shock. “I, um, Jillian-“  
“Call me Holtzmann, or Holtz, or Holtzy, or anytime.” She said with a smooth wink.  
“Holtzmann, we literally met like half an hour ago. Don't you think it's a bit too soon to date or anything? We hardly know anything about each other.” You said awkwardly. You thought she was cute, too.  
“That's what dating is for! We learn about each other and go from there. I know this awesome pizza place downtown.” She said. “Come on, give a girl a chance.” She said as she gave you a puppy dog face.  
“I suppose so.” You finally said after a moment.  
“I knew you'd come around!” Holtzmann laughed. That is how you met the love of your life. The memory of that day makes you both happy and sad. You watch the ducks, just like you did that day.  
“Holtz, this is like that day at the pond on the other side of town, except you're not here with me.” You sigh to yourself. You notice a bright pale yellow, the same color as Holtz’s hair, sticking out in the dark green of the bushes near the corner of your vision. You turn toward it to see nothing there. But you know you had seen a familiar shade of blonde there. You have to find the source of it.


	22. Chapter 22

You quickly wheel yourself towards the bush.  
“Where are you going?” Patty asks as she closes her book.  
“I saw her! She's here and she's alive!” You say, tears of joy and relief threatening to fall. Patty follows behind you as you wheel yourself as quickly as you can towards the bush.  
“Who?” Patty asks.  
“Holtz! Holtz, it's me! It's Y/N!” You call as you rush into the maze of bushes. You pause when you enter and turn yourself to face the opposite side of the bush. Your face falls and Patty places a hand on your shoulder. A gentle breeze shakes the old, faded plastic bag. The sound of the plastic felt like it was mocking you. Mocking you for being so stupid and desperate and getting your hopes up too soon. Your tears of joy quickly turn into tears of sorrow and bitter disappointment and grief. “Lets go home.” Patty says softly as she hugs you tightly. You accept her warm embrace and wrap your arms around her neck, holding on tightly and gripping her shirt with all your strength. You feel numb and defeated. Patty gently pries you off of her. You don't say a word as she calls a cab and takes you to the firehouse.  
“No, that's not how it was!” You hear Erin yell as Patty wheels you into the firehouse.  
“Yes, yes it was. That's how it happened!” Abby could be heard yelling back. “What the hell is everyone yelling about?” Patty yells up to Erin and Abby. The two come downstairs.  
“Abby says there is no possibility that the thing on the roof isn't radioactive, but I know it is!” Erin complains. “It can't be! It would have done something by now!” Abby yells, throwing her arms up in frustration. “It caught on fire and exploded!”  
“You can't prove that!”  
“Knock it off, you two!” Patty yelled. The three of them continue to yell and argue at each other. You sit in silence, looking at your hands.  
“Everyone shut up!” A man’s voice booms. You all look up to see Kevin standing in the doorway of the kitchen. “We can't fight! We have to stay together! Boss would want us to stay together!” He booms. Everyone momentarily feels like Kevin is a child whose parents are getting divorced.  
“Kevin, were still staying together.” Erin says softly.  
“We are?” He asks.  
“Of course we are.” Abby chimes in.  
“We’re still the Ghostbusters.” Patty adds.  
“Why don't you sit in the kitchen and talk to us?” Erin suggests. The three women and Kevin walk into the kitchen and you sit by the fire pole by yourself. You pull Holtz’s glasses out of your pocket. The cold metal of the frames helps you think. Having those glasses with you helps you imagine that she's still here with you. You can't help but let yourself cry as you wish Holtzmann was here with you. Suddenly, the main door to the firehouse swings open and in walks Dr. Gorin, looking incredibly irritated.


	23. Chapter 23

“Where is Jillian?” Gorin asks, obviously frustrated. “She was supposed to meet me for a radiation experiment yesterday. She’s always irritatingly early and now she’s irritatingly late.”  
“She’s gone.” Erin mumbles as she, Patty, and Abby hurry out of the kitchen.  
“Your girlfriend is gone?” Gorin looks at Erin. Erin’s face flushes.  
“S-She and I were n-never dating.” Erin says.  
“You’re the one who is gay, but not gay. The one that calls herself a cabbage in Spanish, right?”  
“C-cabbage?”  
“Yes, that’s her.” Abby says. She and Patty try not to laugh.  
“Why didn’t anyone tell me I was calling myself a cabbage?” Erin asks the room, no one pays attention.  
“Are you the one dating Jillian?” Gorin asks Abby. She shakes her head.  
“She’s taller than me.” Abby replies politely.  
“Surely it’s not you.” Gorin says flatly as she looks at Patty.  
“What the hell is that supposed to mean you lightning rod?” Patty asks, obviously offended.  
“You don’t seem like Jillian’s type.”  
“What exactly would that type be?”  
“Not as tall, or loud.” Gorin says, not breaking her calm and flat tone.  
“I’m Holtz’s girlfriend.” You finally say.  
“Ah, yes, the one she mutilated.” Gorin turns her attention to you. She walks over to you and places her hands on your face. You hate the texture of her thick yellow chemical gloves, you also wonder what she’s gotten on them before coming here. She looks at you through her glasses, then over, and then through again. She examines your hands, pauses at the scar on your wrist, and then examines the scar on your palm from the accident. She finally looks at your face again. “You’re broken.”  
“No shit.” Patty says grumpily. Gorin doesn’t pay her any attention.  
“Your soul is broken.”  
“Okay.” You say slowly, not wanting to make this crazy woman angry.  
“What do you mean, Dr. Gorin?” Erin asks.  
“Anyone can look at her and see she’s broken physically. But mentally, she’s broken. Where is Jillian? She’ll explain.”  
“She’s not here. She’s gone, has been for the last three days.” Abby says.  
“Where?”  
“There was an accident on the roof.” Gorin’s steel expression falls. “We don’t know if she’s alive or not, I mean we haven’t found a body or blood or anything that would say she died, but we haven’t found any signs that she’s alive.” Erin answers.  
“Follow me, all of you.” Gorin sighs. “Someone carry the girl.” She waves a gloved hand to you as she walks up the staircase. Patty picks you up and carries you in her arms as she walks up the stairs, quietly mumbling horrible things about Gorin. You can’t help but crack a small smile at the few things you manage to hear Patty mumble. Gorin leads you all to the roof, except for Kevin, who was still in the kitchen. “Is it safe to leave your monkey unattended?” Gorin asks you all reach the roof.  
“Monkey?” Abby asks.  
“The big one in the kitchen.”  
“We gave him a pot of coffee, he’ll be fine for at least an hour and a half.” Erin shrugs. Gorin nods and pulls a device out of her pocket.  
“Bring the broken girl to me.”  
“I’ll bring you something.” Patty grumbles.  
“No thank you, you are not my type.” Grin says blankly. She looks at your arm. “Close your eyes.”  
“Why?”  
“Just do it.” You look at Abby, Patty, and Erin, who are avoiding your eyes. You reluctantly close your eyes.  
“What the hell!” You scream as you feel something being shoved under your skin. You jerk your arm away.  
“Oh, it wasn’t that bad!” Gorin rolls her eyes. She taps a button on her remote-like contraption and it begins to beep.  
“You shoved something under my skin!” You say loudly.  
“I’ve done it to everyone, but none of them have been numb from the neck down.”  
“Waist.” You say flatly.  
“Oh.” She looks at you. “Well, you will be sore for a few days.”  
“What is that going to do to help anything and why are foreign objects in all of us?” You glare at the woman.  
“It’s a tracking device. Should any of you go missing, you’d be easily located.” Gorin says, not looking at you. She studies her remote for a moment, pulls a pen from her hair and walks over to Erin. “Hold out your arm.” Erin does as she’s told. Gorin begins scribbling on Erin’s arm. “I’ve found Jillian.”  
“Where is she?” You ask, full of hope and life again. This wasn’t like finding the bag, this was real-definite. Wherever that thing says Holtzmann is, she is there.  
“Dr. Gorin, this can’t be right.” Abby says, looking at Erin’s arm.  
“Are you questioning my machine?”  
“Yes, yes she is.” Patty says grumpily.  
“Dr. Gorin, your machine says she’s at a morgue.” Erin says, trying to read the upside-down writing on her arm.


	24. Chapter 24

Everyone looks at each other, but they all avoid looking at you. You're quiet, you don't know what to think or say. There is too much for you to process. You feel your heart beat wildly and your skin become clammy. You start to shake slightly. Patty doesn't seem to notice.  
“Shall we go pick up Jillian?” Gorin's asks, keeping her tone flat. You know you hear her voice falter, but you also don't care. Abby takes the lead back into the firehouse, followed by Dr. Gorin, then Patty, and then Erin.  
“Kevin, we're going out.” Patty calls to the man as she sets you into the Ecto-1. You feel a cough rising in your throat and pull a handkerchief out of your shirt pocket.  
“Okay, boss!” He smiles, oblivious to the world. You wish you were as oblivious as him as you cough into the cloth. Something doesn't feel right. You look at the cloth and notice dark red specks on it. Blood, your blood.  
“Maybe I'll join you soon, Jillybean.” You think to yourself. A tear falls down your face as Erin climbs beside you in the back seat, Patty sits next to her. Abby drives and Dr. Gorin sits next to her in the passenger seat. You hold the cloth to your mouth as you think about how you feared death when you first got hurt, but now you welcome it.  
“Are you alright?” Erin asks softly as you cough into the handkerchief again.  
“Yeah, I'm fine. It's just allergies.” You lie blankly, not showing anyone the cloth. Within minutes, Abby pulls in front of the morgue. You feel tired and weak, but you welcome the feeling, it means you'll see Holtzmann alive and well soon.  
“You don't look too good.” Patty quietly says to you as she gets your wheelchair out and helps you into it.  
“I'm fine, it's just stress and heartbreak.” You sigh. You aren't sure if there is an afterlife, Heaven wise. You know there is a ghost afterlife, but beyond that is a mystery. As long as you are with Holtz, it doesn't matter.  
“I'll get the girl.” Dr. Gorin says flatly. You begin to think she doesn't have a vocal range. Patty gives her a look before walking to Abby and Erin. When they're out of earshot, Gorin whispers to you. “Something is wrong.”  
“My girlfriend is in a morgue. Of course something is wrong.” You spit before coughing more blood into the cloth. You try to hide it from Gorin. She gives you a look, a look that shows she's trying to figure out what you're hiding and what is wrong. She doesn't say anything as she wheels you towards the brick building. Abby and Patty are on one side of you and Erin on the other. Erin places a hand on your shoulder. It comforts her more than it does you. You hold your breath as you are wheeled into the building. There's a coffin sitting at the front of the room. It isn't elegant or anything, just a plain, black coffin. A man is standing beside the door.  
“You must be Miss. Holtzmann's family.” He whispers with a smile.  
“Yes, we are.” Abby says softly and solemnly as she, Patty, and Erin begin to talk to him. Dr. Gorin walks away from you and joins the group. You're left alone, looking at the coffin twenty feet away. You wheel yourself to it, your chest still hurting. The pain is worse now. Your heart beats faster as you get closer. You're right next to the coffin now. You force your eyes to look into it. You see Jillian’s peaceful face. She looks calm and happy. You loose it. You fling yourself on her body, your arms wrapped around her neck and your head on her chest as you cough and scream between coughs. You can't stop coughing and screaming. More blood than ever is coming from your mouth.  
“Jillybean, no, not you! Oh, God, take me instead, please take me instead!” You whisper weakly, still coughing. Everyone runs towards you as your vision begins to fade. You hear something familiar, soothing, and steady, but you don't know what. You're out before you can place it.


	25. Chapter 25

You wake up in a white space. There's no walls or ceiling or floor, just white. You walk around the space, trying to find the end. You stop in your tracks and look down. You're standing. Not only are you standing, you're walking freely. You smile to yourself and run for about twenty feet. Suddenly, it dawns on you that something is missing. No, someone is missing.  
“H-Holtzmann?” You call into the space. Nothing. “Holtz?” You call again. “Jillian?” There's no answer. You look around you again, unsure of which direction you came from and which direction you are headed.  
“Welcome to the in between.” A voice says to you. A figure emerges from the whiteness. It's a woman who looks kind of like you, but different somehow.  
“The in between?” You ask, taking a step away from her.  
“This is where you go when you die, but you're not quite dead yet. This is where the halflings live until their choice is made.”  
“Halflings? Choice?”  
“A halfling is what you are.” She walks toward you, walking around you and looking you up and down, slime dripping off her clothes. “You're not dead, but you're not alive either.” You don't know how to take that information.  
“What about a choice?” You ask with uncertainty.  
“You have the option, being a halfling, to live or to die. If you walk the path you're currently going, you'll die. But, if you turn around and walk that way, you'll live.”  
“Holtzmann is on that side.” You point to where the woman emerged from and the direction you had been heading.  
“Are you certain? You're young. You have your whole life ahead of you still. Would this Holtzmann want you to sacrifice your life just to be with him?”  
“Her, Holtzmann is a girl.” You say to the woman. She is unfazed.  
“Would she want you to end your life just because she can't be with you right now?” You're silent. “Look, kid, you're a halfling for a reason. Obviously, you're conflicted over life and death. We know this Holtzmann is persuading you to die, but what is calling for you to live?”  
“Abby and Patty and Erin. Maybe Dr. Gorin. She's kinda hard to read.”  
“Abby, Erin, and Patty would miss you, wouldn't they? They're pretty close to Holtzmann too, especially Abby and Erin. They're hurting because she's no long with you, do you want them to hurt more from loosing you, too?”  
“No.” You say without thinking. “I love Jillian, and I know that in loving her, I also love her friends, our friends. She would want me to be there for them and take care of them while she's gone.”  
“Have you made your decision?”  
“I have. I can't leave Erin, Abby, and Patty behind.” The woman nods at you.  
“Follow the path.” She points behind you. You turn around and walk in the direction she pointed. “ Be more careful, I'm tired of dealing with you.” The woman calls. How many times had this woman seen you? You don't bother asking any more questions. Instead you walk. The pure white slowly turns to a soft gray, then a normal gray, a dark gray, and it continues to get darker until you're surrounded by darkness. You notice the faint sound that sounds like the heartbeat monitor you had been hooked up to after the accident. Your face is wet from something dripping on it. Your hand is wrapped in something warm and soft. Something is dripping on your hand, too. You open you eyes a little to see a pale body with a mess is blond puff on its head. You feel groggy and tried.  
“J-Jillybean? Is that you? Did I take the wrong path?” You whisper hoarsely. Whoever it is has their hands clasped around one of yours and is crying, some of their tears landing on your face and some on your hand. The blur turns its head toward you and moves closer to you face.  
“No, no Y/N, you picked the right path. You picked the perfect pact.” The familiar voice says softly. The blur strokes your hair. You smile slightly, knowing that it's Holtzmann.  
“Hey, Jillybean, I want you to promise me something.” You whisper, feeling yourself fall asleep.  
“Anything.”  
“Well, two things, promise me we can go back as ghosts and hang out with Erin, Abby, and Patty. Promise me you won't leave me ever again.”  
“I don't-“  
“Promise me, please.” You beg softly. You couldn't bare the afterlife without Holtzmann.  
“I-I promise.” She whispers. “Get some rest.” You nod before falling asleep.


	26. Chapter 26

You're not sure how long it has gone on, but you are in a constant state of sleep and being barely conscious. Finally, you have your first lucid day.  
“Hi, Patty.” You smile to the large woman sitting next to you.  
“Hi, baby. How are you?”  
“Did you bury Holtz?” You ask, recalling your last memory. Holtzmann had been in a coffin. The thought hurts your heart. “Honey-”  
“Was the funeral pretty? I hope you gave her yellow flowers. She loves those.” You feel tears forming at the corners of your eyes.  
“Y/N, I don't think-“  
“Did a lot of people come? Was Dr. Gorin there?” Before Patty can answer, the hospital door opens and in walks Holtzmann, carrying a cup of coffee. Her hair looks like it hadn't been brushed in weeks, there are dark circles under her eyes, she looks pale and starved, and she looks just overall defeated. Patty looks at you. “Patty, I see her ghost.” You whisper, the medication you had been given still clouding your thoughts. Holtzmann's head snaps to look at you, her eyes wide. Your eyes go wide in fright as the spirit quickly moves toward you. “Patty, Patty, there's a ghost. Patty, do something. Damnit, Patty, save me!” You say as Holtzmann gets closer. She stops next to Patty and gives her a confused look.  
“She don't know.” Patty says to her.  
“Babe, I'm not dead.” Holtzmann says with uncertainty.  
“You are! I saw you in a coffin!” You say, tears of fear falling down your cheeks.  
“I was sleeping in the coffin, I wasn't dead.” She says slowly. She places a hand on Patty's shoulder. “See? I can't go through stuff.” You take in this new information for about five minutes as your thoughts become clearer. Your tears of fear become tears of anger and relief.  
“You're a bitch.” You glare at her, beginning to sob. She wraps her arms around you. You want to hold onto her, but you don't. You push her away. “Don't fucking touch me, Jillian.” You say through your tears as Abby and Erin walk in. They freeze. “I was worried sick over you for days. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't work, I couldn't think right, nothing because you decided to go on a little vacation and fake your own death! Do you know how selfish you are? You had five people worried sick about you and you wouldn't even let us know you were alive!” You shout. Holtzmann looks broken as she processes your words. You open your mouth to say more, but Holtzmann stops you. She wraps you in a huge hug, tears falling from her face as she holds onto you tightly, like she had lost you and found you again. You don't pull away this time. Your body is weak, all you can manage to do is grip the sleeves of her jacket. You hold onto her sleeves tightly, afraid that she will disappear if you did. “I was so scared that I had lost you.” You whisper.  
“I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry.” She whispers into your hair. There's silence in the room as Erin, Abby, and Patty look awkwardly at each other.  
“Don't let go, please don't let go.” You say to Holtzmann.  
“I won't, I promise.” She replies.  
“What happened? I saw you in the coffin, and then I woke up here.” You ask after you an Holtzmann had calmed down.  
“Internal bleeding and the early signs of takotsubo cardiomyopathy.” Patty says.  
“I told you it was real, Abby.” You look at her.  
“You could have just pulled it up on the internet like a normal person instead of demonstrating.” Abby rolls her eyes.  
“They said probably another two or three weeks.” Patty adds. “After they take the stitches out and examine the incisions, you should be good to go home.  
“What are you talking about?” You ask.  
“You had surgery to stop the internal bleeding. According to them, it's a matter of life and death when you have so much loose blood you're coughing it up.”  
“I didn't need to know that.”  
“If you had told us sooner, we might not be here.” Abby shrugs. “You're not helping.” You glare. A nurse walks in the room.  
“Ah, you're awake. How long this time?”  
“Long enough?” You say with uncertainty. She smiles at you. She takes a needle and begins to insert it into your IV. “That's usually a bad sign.” You say, watching the liquid.  
“It helps with pain, but also puts you to sleep.”  
“All I do is sleep. I can sleep when I'm dead.” You complain.  
“You'll be dead if you don't sleep.” Patty says.  
“You too, Holtzy.” Abby chimes in. You don't know how to take Holtzmann standing beside you. Your last memory she was dead and now she's beside you, holding your hand. It's too good to be true, almost like a dream.


	27. Chapter 27

You wake up in the middle of the night. Your chest hurts so badly it is hard to breathe. You gasp for air as you look around the dark room.  
“It’s okay, just slow your breathing.” Erin says as she places a hand on your head and a hand in your hand.  
“E-rin-” You gasp. “hu-rt-s.” She tightens her grip in your hand.  
“Nurse, she’s awake!” Erin calls calmly out into the hall. You can tell she’s not calm. Her hands begin shaking.  
“Wh-re ar-e th-e g-ir-ls?” You gasp.  
“They’re on a bust and Holts is passed out in a corner of the lab. A nurse rushes into the room, flips on the light, and quickly administers a liquid into your IV.  
“Relax your body and take slow breaths.” The nurse says as she places a hand on your chest.  
“I do-n’t w-an-t me-dic-a-ti-on.”  
“You need it.” Erin whispers. You feel uncomfortable being alone with Erin in this state.  
“No, I do-n’t.” You argue. You liked it better when you were paralyzed and didn’t feel pain.  
“She’ll be out soon.” The nurse says to Erin.  
“Thank you.” Erin smiles. The nurse leaves you and Erin alone.  
“What t-ime is i-t?” You gasp, feeling your body being to numb from the medication.  
“It’s about three in the morning.” Erin smiles gently. She places a hand on your cheek, gently stroking your face.  
“Are you dr-unk?” She smiles gently.  
“No, I’m not drunk.” She pulls her hand away and sits in the chair next to your bed. The atmosphere becomes even more awkward and tense.  
“When is H-olzmann coming b-ack?”  
“When she wakes up.” Erin sighs defeatedly.  
“What's wrong?”  
“I love you Y/N.” She stands up and walks over to the window. The stars are still out but the sun is just barely hinting at coming up on the horizon. “I love you, but you don’t love me. Everyone I love doesn’t love me. Jillian, Kevin, even you. Am I really that unlovable?”  
“Erin, I love you, too.” You say, feeling sleep being to overcome you. Your speech becomes slurred but you’re able to breathe again and you don’t feel pain.  
“You do?” She asks before you can continue talking.  
“Yeah, I do. But-”  
“Will you leave Jillian for me?”  
“W-what?”  
“Will you leave Jill?”  
“She won’t leave Jill, but you’ll be leaving this earth.” A woman’s voice says from the doorway. You drift off before you can register who said it.


	28. Chapter 28

You wake up to the noise of the machines hooked up to you. You finally open your eyes to see you’re alone in your room. For the first time, you’re alone. No Abby or Patty or Holtzmann or Erin. You feel afraid. You were terrified once you learned Holtz was alive and when the proton pack testing went wrong, but now there was no one around to tell you it’d be okay. You feel tears form in your eyes as the anxiety sets in.  
“Mornin’, Boss!” Kevin says as he enters the room with a cup of coffee.  
“Hi, Kevin.” You say with uncertainty. “Where are the girls?” He takes a drink or his coffee and then spits it out.  
“Ugh, I hate coffee!” He says, wrinkling his nose up at the cup.  
“Kevin.” You say sternly.  
“Yes, boss?” He smiles.  
“Where are Abby, Patty, Jillian, and Erin?” You ask.  
“Who?” You roll your eyes.  
“Glasses boss, sassy boss, boom boss, and Stephanie. Where are they?”  
“Ooooh!” He smiles. He stares at you for a moment.  
“Well?”  
“Well what?”  
“Oh my god.” You sigh.  
“Oh, boom boss told me to give you this.” He says as he hands you his cup. There’s a sticky notes stuck to the bottom.  
“Y/N, had an emergency bust. Sorry we sent Kevin, but it was dangerous to leave him alone at the firehouse and we figured you could get him to do some fun stuff.” The note reads, obviously Jillian. You look at Kevin, who is staring out the window. There’s another note stuck to his back.  
“Kevin, come here.” You say to the man-child. He walks over to you. “Turn towards the window.”  
“Oooh, a window!” He smiles. You yank the note off before we walks away.  
“We need to get you a retractable leash.” You mumble before looking at the note.  
“I took care of what happened the other night. Don’t worry about it. Get some rest, baby.” Patty’s neat and sassy writing reads. The other night. What happened the other night?  
“Will you leave Jillian for me?” Erin’s voice rings out in your mind as you throw the sticky notes behind the bed. You remember someone walking into the room before you passed out, it must have been Patty. What did she do or say to Erin? Does Holtzmann know? The idea of going through that drama and putting Holtz through that pain again was enough to make your heart rate go up. You begin to gasp for air and your chest hurts.  
“Boss, why is the sky blue?” Kevin asks.  
“Ke-vin, ge-t a n-u-r-s-e!” You gasp.  
“Maybe it’s from the sun!” He says, lost in his own mind. A nurse rushes into the room, something set off an alarm to let her know that you were in a crisis. She administers some kind of drug into your IV.  
“Deep breaths and relax.” She sighs as she brushes your hair out of your face.  
“I ne-ed J-i-ll.” You gasp.  
“Shhh, just relax.” She says, ignoring your request.  
“What if it’s not actually blue, but we only think it is because that’s what we’re told?” You hear Kevin ask as you are put back to sleep


	29. Chapter 29

You wake up again and see all four women sitting in the room with you. You stare at them for a bit. The sun has begun to rise and you can just make out their faces. Erin and Abby are asleep in plastic chairs next to each other. Erin is resting her head on Abby’s shoulder and Abby has her head on top of Erin’s. Patty is asleep on the floor with her back against the dresser in the room and Holtzmann is sleeping in her lap. You have no idea where Kevin has gone. You assume back to the firehouse or wherever Kevin goes when the girls leave for the night.  
“Good to see you awake.” Holtzmann says softly. You jump as you look at her.  
“It’s early, go to sleep.” You smile to her. She climbs off Patty, waking her up in the process, and walks over to you.  
“I’m used to no sleep.” She winks as she kisses your forehead.  
“How was the bust?”  
“It was easy.” She shrugs.  
“Erin got slimed again.” Patty says from the floor.  
“Erin always gets slimed.” Abby says in her sleep.  
“Morning, Abby.” You whisper.  
“Benny, where’s my soup?” She mumbles. “Damn it, Benny, what the hell is this?” You try not to laugh. “Holtz, blow him up.” Holtzmann’s eyes light up.  
“She’s talking in her sleep. It doesn’t count when she’s talking in her sleep.” Patty says sternly.  
“It used to.” Holtzmann mumbles.  
“Holtz, since you’re so full of energy, go get me some coffee. Normal coffee.” She says.  
“Sure thing, Patty-Cakes!” Holtzmann says. She winks at you and quietly walks out of the room, trying not to disturb Erin and Abby.  
“Hey, Patty-”  
“Did you get the note?” She interrupts, speaking quickly before Holtzmann returns.  
“Y-yeah.” You say. “What did you-”  
“I took care of it. That’s all that matters.” She says calmly.  
“But what does that mean?” You ask.  
“It means the only thing you have to worry about is getting better. If you improve, you should be able to go home soon.” You’re silent for a moment as you let your face fall. “What’s wrong, baby?”  
“How did my life end up like this? How long has it been since I haven’t been able to walk? Since I first got possessed and since I first strapped on that proton pack? How long have I spent in this hospital and how many times have I almost died?” You ask her. At the same time, you don’t ask her. It’s just questions you wanted to get out there, to get out of your chest before they ate you alive.  
“It’ll be okay, baby.”  
“Someday, we’ll look back on this as a memory.” Erin whispers sleepily. “We have to get through today so it can become a memory.”  
“Wonton soup.” Abby mumbles in her sleep. Holtzmann walks back into the room with four paper cups in her arms and her cheeks full of something. She hands Patty a cup, takes one herself, and hands the other two to Erin. “Any cream or sugar?” Patty asks as she holds out her hand, not paying attention to Holtz. Holtzmann smirks as best as she can, walks over to Patty, opens her mouth, and allows about eight plastic cups of cream to fall onto Patty’s hand. Patty gives her a flat look and sighs. “Sugar?” Holtzmann puts her fingers in her wild hair and shakes her head, causing about twenty packs to fall all around her. “Thank-you, Holtzy.” Patty says, unfazed, as she wipes Holtzmann spit off one of the cream cups in her hand. She opens it and pours it into her coffee.  
“Jillian, that’s disgusting.” You shake your head, also unsurprised by her ‘trick’.  
“Oh, it’s cute when Erin taught Mike Hat to do it, but when I do it, it’s disgusting.” Holtzmann rolls her eyes as she winks at you. She takes a test tube of blue glowing liquid out of her pocket.  
“Give me that.” Patty says, taking it from her.  
“It’s supposed to make my spit glow in the dark!” Holtzmann whines.  
“No testing on yourself or people who don’t know you’re testing on them. There are laws about that.”  
“What would you do with glow in the dark spit anyway?” You ask.  
“It’d be something special for you and me.” She winks.  
“Go back to sleep you nasty little elf.” Patty rolls her eyes.


	30. Chapter 30

For the first time since you ended up back in the hospital, you’re alone with Holtzmann. She occasionally leaves your side to cause trouble, but only if the other girls are near. Today, it’s just her. Your head feels clearer after being taken off some of your medications, and you remember the events that led up to you being in the hospital.  
“How you feeling today?” She asks as she roams around the room.  
“Sit down, Jillian.” You say sternly. It was time to talk. She gives you a confused look and does what you ask of her, sitting in the plastic chair next to your bed. “What the hell is wrong with you?” You spit.  
“What are you talking about?” She asks calmly.  
“What kind of sane person disappears for that long and lets us find her in fucking coffin?” Your voice becomes louder and louder until you’re shouting. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I was heartbroken because you were gone and then even more so when we found you in a fucking coffin!”  
“That was forever ago, Y/N.” She says calmly.  
“That was a nasty thing to do! What is wrong with you? Why are you so calm about this? If I had built some kind of bomb on top of the firehouse, let it ignite the building, disappear, and turn up in a coffin, wouldn’t you be pissed?”  
“I’d be disappointed if all it did was catch the firehouse on fire.” She pauses and lets out a laugh. “The firehouse on fire. How ironic.”  
“In her defense, Jillian hides from emotions.” The familiar flat voice says as Dr. Gorin walks in the room with a vase of flowers.  
“Dr. Gorin!” Holtzmann smiles. The older woman gives Holtzmann a flat look. She takes the flowers out of the vase, hits Holtzmann over the head with them, places them back in the vase, and hands it to you.  
“I got these for you, dear.” She says to you, her expression unchanging.  
“Thank you.” You say with uncertainty.  
“Jillian, you know better than to harm the ill.” Dr. Gorin scolds Holtzmann. You think its scolding. It’s hard to tell due to her lack of facial expression and vocal range. “The cabbage would make a better girlfriend for the poor soul.”  
“The cab- did someone finally tell Erin that she was calling herself a cabbage?” Holtzmann pouts. “I was going to take her to the Mexican restaurant and have her show Francisco her Spanish.” Dr. Gorin gives her a dangerous look.  
“Jillian, focus.” Dr. Gorin snaps as best as her flat little voice would allow. “You owe your girlfriend an explanation and do the things people do with the chemical reactions in their brains.” She waves a yellow-gloved hand at the two of you.  
“Emotions. They’re called emotions.” You think, you want to say it out loud, but you really don’t want to get on Dr. Gorin’s bad side. Holtzmann sighs.  
“So, I wasn’t really gone all that time. I was at the firehouse at night after everyone was either gone or asleep.” She confesses.  
“Why?” You ask irritated.  
“Try not to get too worked up; it’s like getting mad at a puppy. You only stress yourself out." Dr. Gorin says as she takes a seat by your heart monitor. You feel uneasy with her being so close to the machines.  
“I needed to get some work done.”  
“Why not make an appearance during the day and let us know you were okay?” You say, becoming more and more frustrated.  
“I told Kevin.”  
“Kevin has the brain of a fucking goldfish. He forgets in a few seconds. You can’t trust him with any information and you know that!” You say loudly. “Why the fuck did you leave? That’s all I want to know. Why did you leave and sneak around and just disappear? We were all worried sick about you. We searched for you for days and we couldn’t find you.” Tears fill your eyes. “I thought I lost you. Why did you leave?” Holtzmann sighs.  
“I needed a break.”  
“A break from what? From me? From the work? What?” Holtzmann avoids your eyes.  
“From everything, okay? I needed a break from the stress of worrying about you all the time and trying not to be mad at Erin for getting drunk and kissing you and dealing with work! I just wanted a break and have time to myself and have fun and enjoy my life, like how it was before I met you!” She snaps.


	31. Chapter 31

You stare at her in disbelief. Even Dr. Gorin seems somewhat shocked. Holtzmann avoids your eyes as she feels the weight of her words consume the room. You take a sharp breath, forcing back tears. You reach over to the nightstand by your bed where an empty glass and a pitcher of water sit. You pour water into the glass for yourself.  
“You shoul-”  
“Don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, Jillian.” You snap. You take a drink of the water and begin choking on it. “Damn it!” You say in between coughs. Holtzmann rushes to your side to comfort you. “Get off of me!” You say loudly. She quickly recoils. You compose yourself. “I’m sorry I’m ruining your life, Jillian.” You say coldly as you stare ahead of you. You hear footsteps in the hall.  
“It’s no-”  
“Don’t say it.” You interrupt. “If you want a break, then go take a break. Let’s both take a break. Go out and have fun, Jillian.” You say slowly and dangerously. You don’t look at her, just at the blank, white wall.  
“I didn’t mean it like that.” She whispers.  
“Go take a break. You need one so badly you’re willing to hurt everyone you love, so go take a break. How long will you disappear for this time? A week? A month? Three years? Who knows because Jillian Holtzmann plays by her own rules and doesn’t care if people spend days or weeks looking for her, praying she’s alright.” You say. She’s silent. You stare at the wall for a moment longer until you hear her fidget. You turn to her. “Go, take your break!” You wave to her. “I’ll take one myself.” She looks like a puppy that got its tail stepped on. Even though she’s hurting, you can still see the love in her eyes. She stares at you for a moment. You wonder how you must look to her. “Go! Have fun, don’t let me stop you from enjoying life.” You say sarcastically. She turns her gaze to the floor, you can’t read her expression anymore. Abby, Erin, and Patty walk in.  
“Oh, it’s you.” Patty says loudly at the sight of Dr. Gorin.  
“Hello.” Dr. Gorin replies.  
“What’s going on?” Erin asks, sensing the tension.  
“We’re taking a break.” You say angrily.  
“A break?” Abby asks as she looks at the two of you with concern.  
“That’s right, they don’t know!” You say in fake surprise. Holtz shrinks down.  
“Y/N, what are you talking about?” Patty asks.  
“Would you like to tell them or should I, Jillian? They were just as worried as I was and I’m sure they’d love to hear about your adventure!” She doesn’t reply.  
“Someone left and let us worry because she wanted a break. But, she continued to sneak into the firehouse in the middle of the night and refused to let anyone know she was alright even though we spent days searching for her.” You say to them. They don’t react. Erin stares at the floor, doing surprisingly well at hiding her emotions, or she just shut down, you aren’t sure which. Patty has her eyes closed, trying to figure out just what to say. Dr. Gorin is examining a machine. Even Abby is speechless. Holtzmann doesn’t look at any of you. She rushes out of the room. As you watch her leave, you can’t help but feel your heart break. Patty walks up to you and wraps you in a hug.  
“I’ll go chase after Holtz.” Abby says solemnly. “Work is going to so fucking fun!” She mumbles sarcastically as she rushes out of the room. Erin sits blankly in the chair. Dr. Gorin walks up to her curiously. She tilts her head as she studies Erin. Finally, Dr. Gorin slowly reaches out and quickly pokes Erin’s head. Erin doesn’t react.  
“I think she’s broken.” Dr. Gorin says seriously. She waits a moment and pokes Erin again. Erin doesn’t react. After the third time, you turn your attention to Patty, who rolls her eyes at the two.  
“Hey, Patty?” You whisper, trying not to cry.  
“Yeah, baby?” She says softly as she rubs your back.  
“Did, did Holtzmann and I just break up?”


	32. Chapter 32

“Well, this is lovely.” Dr. Gorin says as she takes her attention away from Erin.   
“Dr. Gorin, I’m really not in the mood.” You say defeatedly.  
“Obviously not. You’re poison.” You give her a threatening look. She either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care because she keeps talking. “You are so miserable with yourself and you can’t stand anyone else not being miserable with you. You target the weakest person in the room, the woman who loves you more than science and you poison her. You’ve poisoned her heart and her soul and her mind and have turned her into an unstable mess. You’re a venom, not a cure.” The woman says flatly and matter-of-factly. You avoid looking at her. She stares at you.   
“Dr. Gorin, I think you should go after Holtzmann, too.” Patty suggests sternly. Dr. Gorin, taking the hint, glares at you and leaves the room. “Ignore the lightning rod, baby. Emotions just ran high.” Patty sooths you.   
“She’s right, though.” You whisper.   
“No, she’s not. You were put through a lot of stress and you got very sick because of it.”  
“You weren’t being selfish, Y/N. Holtzmann disappearing like that was selfish.” Erin pipes up, snapping herself out of her trance.  
“Welcome back.” Patty says flatly.  
“Where did I go?”  
“Do you think Holtz is okay?” You ask them. They’re silent for a moment.  
“She’ll probably bounce back.” Patty finally says.   
“Probably?”  
“It’s Holtzmann. She can recover from anything.” Erin says as she avoids the eyes of you and Patty.   
“Erin broke her heart a couple of times.” Patty says.  
“I know, Holtz had feelings for Erin and Erin didn’t feel the same way.” You reply.  
“Did you hear the actual story?” Patty asks.  
“Patty, don’t-”  
“No, I’ve never heard the actual story.” You reply.  
“You gotta hear this, baby.” Patty says with a slight smile.


	33. Chapter 33

There is peace in the office; no one has arrived at the firehouse yet, except Erin, who just walked in the doors. She has her hair in a ponytail and is wearing an old sweater Abby gave her and her favorite sweatpants. She begins her usual routine of turning on the coffee pot and taking the coffee from the day before, pouring it in a mug, and microwaving it while a fresh pot brews. She takes the hot mug in her hands, wraps it in a towel, and walks upstairs to begin working on some paperwork she decided to put off the night before. She flips on a light switch by the top of the stairs and the lights buzz to life. Erin jumps as she swears she hears something stir from Holtzmann’s lab, but dismisses it because Jillian never sleeps in the lab at night, only during the afternoon because ‘it’s the best place to nap but only in the afternoon’ according to the blonde.  
“Alright, let’s see what emails have appeared since last night.” Erin sighs as she walks over to her desk and sets her mug on the corner by her laptop.   
“Hey, Erin, who ya talkin’ to?” Holtzmann pops up from under Erin’s desk, a pencil that looks like it had been rescued from a wood chipper in one hand and her Swiss Army knife in the other.  
“Oh, my god!” Erin yelps as she jumps away from her desk. Her fear turns to frustration as she realizes she’s not about to be murdered by a homeless crazy person. “Jillian, why are you under my desk?” She pauses, noticing the pencil. “And what did you do to that pencil?”   
“I may have locked myself out of my apartment. Again.” Erin gives her a flat look, if Jillian Holtzmann was locked out of her apartment, she would literally bust the door down, again. “Alright, my roommates told me I couldn’t come back until I picked up milk.” She sighs, standing up and walking to her own desk. “I don’t know why though. Small tasks are Jim’s thing.” She mumbles to herself.  
“And the pencil?” Erin asks, not exactly surprised.  
“Oh, I got bored and took my pencil sharpener apart and haven’t bothered to put it back together. Plus I may have lost some of the pieces. Okay, a lot of the pieces. All the pieces, god stop pressing me, Erin!” Holtzmann says loudly.  
“Are you on the Adderall again?” Erin asks the blonde Energizer Bunny. She doesn’t expect an answer. “Why didn’t you use Abby’s sharpener or Patty’s or mine?” Holtzmann turns her attention to Erin.  
“Yours? I can use your pencil sharpener?” She smirks.  
“Yeah, Jillian. It’s right there, out in the open for you.” Erin motions to the device on her desk.  
“Oh, that pencil sharpener.” Holtzmann sighs.   
“Yes, what did you think I was referring to?” Erin asks, confused.  
“You must listen to a song by a man called Lil Wayne.” Holtzmann laughs. “Your mind will be blown, my sweet, innocent flower.” Holtzmann bounds over to Erin and wraps her arms around her neck, kissing her cheeks and forehead.   
“Goodmorn-,” Patty stops at the top of the stairs and stares at the two. “I’ll come back later.” She quickly walks back down.  
“No, Patty!” Erin calls to her.   
“Yo, Abby, they finally hooked up!” Patty yells from downstairs.   
“About freaking time!” Abby yells. “Have you seen my soup from last night?” Erin’s face turns a bright shade of red.  
“Are you alright, darling? You look hot?” Holtzmann winks as she plants a kiss on Erin’s lips.  
“That’s enough, Jillian.” Erin says quietly, obviously confused, flustered, and embarrassed.   
“Oh, come on, babe, you love my flirty and spontaneous antics.” Holtzmann laughs. “Besides-”  
“No, no besides, Jillian.” Erin pushes the blonde off her and rubs her face with her sweater sleeve. “I’m not into you, not in the way you think I am. I don’t like the energy and the way people stare. For god’s sake, Jillian, we’re both women! It’s not okay, it’s not natural! To you, it’s messing around, but if people saw us and didn’t know, our reputation as professionals would be ruined! We’d be seen as some giant…. giant…..”  
“Lesbian orgy is what you’re looking for.” Holtzmann says, leaning against Erin’s desk, her yellow glasses hanging off one side of her face.  
“Yes, that.” Erin says, even more embarrassed.  
“Its fine, I get it. You’re not ready to come out yet.” Holtzmann smiles. “I’ll be waiting when you decide to join me in the light.” She winks.  
“No, Jillian. I am not in any closet.” Erin doesn’t seem to notice her voice becoming loud. Her hands begin to shake and her eye begins to twitch. “I do not like girls. At all. End of story. I only like guys, guys like Kevin." Holtzmann makes a face at the thought of the blonde idiot. "I will never date a girl.” Erin says sternly, trying to keep her voice from failing her. Holtzmann’s demeanor changes.  
“Whatever.” She shrugs as she walks away. She slides down the fire pole without looking at Erin. Erin sighs. She pulls out her desk chair and sits down, placing her head in her hands as she tries to figure out what just happened. Suddenly, two thoughts dawn on her: She now has to clean up Holtzmann’s chunks of pencil out from under her desk, and somehow Holtzmann managed to keep track of a pencil long enough to need to sharpen it.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is short, I've been busy with school and I've been dealing with some (more) personal issues. I'm trying to find time to write and I am currently writing this while my American Lit professor thinks I'm taking notes.

“I think there are still pencil shavings under my desk.” Erin mumbles mostly to herself.

“Those are probably new.” Patty says flatly. “She’s usually under your desk when you’re not around. I think she’s building something under there.”

“Better be careful or she’ll make your desk fly.” You force a sad smile.

“I see you’re still joyous from breaking Jillian’s heart.” Dr. Gorin says flatly as she returns. You’re silent. “You’re nothing but a poison. Tell me, what made you a poison and what made you decide to poison my Jillian?” She asks almost curiously.

“Yo, you need to get out.” Patty says, standing between you and Dr. Gorin. She’s like a wall, protecting you from the truth that is demanding answers. Not only were Dr. Gorin’s words clawing at you from inside your chest, but she was back to make them claw outside your chest. You could feel the tension between you and Dr. Gorin and Patty and Dr. Gorin build and build and build, like the room was filling up with tension. It was taking all the air out of the room, darkness forming in the corners of your vision. The tension keeps building, forming spots in your vision. Erin looks at you worriedly as you struggle to get the clawing out of your chest and the tension out of your lungs. The weight of the tension crushes your chest as you struggle to fill your lungs. Erin says something to you as she rushes to your side, but you only hear ringing, the ringing of tension, the ringing of the clawing, the ringing of the bell that signifies your death. She grips your hand, but you can’t grip it back, the tension is so heavy that you can’t move. Patty yells something and hits a button by your bed. The black spots of tension in your eyes continue to grow until it’s all you can see. You gasp for air, only to find tension filling your lungs. You try to speak, but you can’t move your mouth, the tension covers your face like a mask. You’re too tried to fight it, too weak to fight it. You don’t have the will to fight it. You slowly drift off into what you can only assume is death.


	35. Chapter 35

You feel the clawing in your chest again, but it has moved from your chest to your hair and cheeks and it has turned into a soft, caressing tickle. You slowly open your eyes, expecting to be hit by bright lights and fire and demons or a bright whiteness that is full of nothing or something. Instead, you find darkness. You take a deep breath, your chest sore. You try to stretch but can’t move your arms. You try to move your legs to find that you can’t move them either. You feel panic start to build.

“It’s okay, just take it easy.” A woman’s voice says to you. It’s sweet but also somewhat rough, like the person smokes. You try to speak, but your voice is muffled by something covering your face. “You’re going to be alright.” The scratching isn’t scratching; it’s the woman’s fingers caressing your cheeks and your hair. You don’t try to speak; instead you relax into the woman’s touch. You close your eyes, enjoying the peace and the kind touch.

“Am I dead?” You mumble to yourself, knowing you can’t be heard.

“I’m going to undo your restraints.” The woman says. “I was told I could take them off when you woke up.” The woman walks into your view. The room is too dark to make out who she is, but her silhouette moving in the darkness is familiar, but you can’t place it. There’s a moment of silence as your restraints are undone.

“Thanks.” You mumble tiredly, forgetting that you can’t be heard. The woman leans on your bed and close to your face, you can feel her warm breath and smell the traces of cigarette and chocolate and mint that lingers on it. You close your eyes and breathe in her familiar scent. It’s so familiar, but you can’t place it.

“Long time no see, baby.” Your eyes fly open and try to study the face in the dark. A chill runs down your spine.

“Tish.” You mouth.

“It’s so sad to see what that blonde bimbo has done to you. How she almost killed you so many times already. You left me and went to her and claim I’m the one who broke you and ruined you. Was I too hard on you? Probably. Did I occasionally raise my hand to you? Yes. But did I ever put you in the hospital and try to kill you? No. Darling, Y/N, I think you should rethink who you give your amazing love to.” She whispers in your ear. She touches her forehead to yours and sighs. “Y/N, believe it or not, I still love you. Believe it or not, I need you. Believe it or not, I want you back. I’ll change, it’ll take me some time, but I will change.” She pulls away from you and takes your hand. She kisses it gently. “Think about it.” She whispers before walking out of the room.


	36. Chapter 36

“How’s Holtzmann?” You ask Patty a few days after your nighttime visit from Tish.  
“Buried in her work.” Patty sighs. “That annoying lightnin’ rod hasn’t left her side. She’s constantly on everyone but Holtz’s case.”   
“That must be awful.” You say with a slight smile.  
“Patricia, please stop reading those old books in this room, they irritate my senses. Erin, stop wearing those awful suits, they’re ugly and make me uncomfortable. Abbigail, the coffee mugs need to be washed in water exactly one hundred and twenty degrees, washed with a better quality dish soap, rinsed with water exactly thirty eight degrees, and repeated twice before being dried and put away.” Patty mocks. “Of course, Holtzmann can do no wrong.” She rolls her eyes as she huffs and crosses her arms over her chest and slumps in her chair.  
“It’s like having a mom who thinks the youngest can do no wrong.” You reply.  
“Worse. I swear she and Holtz once had a thing, or Gorin at least wants a piece of Holtzmann.”  
“Patty, don’t write fanfiction.” You smile, trying to get the image of your girlfriend and her mentor out of your head.   
“If it’s in my head, I ain’t goanna suffer alone.” She smiles. You roll your eyes.  
“How’s Erin?”  
“She’s trying to get Kevin to read a prompt when he answers the phone and write down what people tell him. It’s not going well.”  
“Poor Kevin.” You hold back a laugh trying to imagine Erin’s frustration and Kevin’s confusion.  
“What about Abby?”  
“Hiding from Gorin by doing work at the Chinese place she likes, contacting us through video chat, and harassing that weird dude that works there who’ll never get laid.  
“What about you?”  
“I’m hiding from Gorin, too. She’s on a mission to find me because I may have taken some old books and blown the dust on her lab coat before she and Holtz came in this morning.”  
“That’s petty.” You smirk.  
“Petty, but worth it.”  
“Do you think Jillian will want to see me?” You ask.  
“I don’t see why not. I think she’s just stressed out and not sure what she’s feeling or what she’s even supposed to feel.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Don’t let it get to you, she’ll come around. She’s like a cat, she’ll come when she wants her to, not when you want her to.”   
“I know. When do you think they’ll let me out?” You ask, your hospital room feeling more and more like a prison every day.  
“Soon, I’d assume. But I’m no doctor.” Patty shrugs. Patty’s phone goes off, filling the silence in the room with the sound of classical music. Patty takes her phone out of her pocket. “What’s up, Erin?” She answers.   
“Hi, Erin!” You say, hoping the woman can hear you.  
“Erin says hi.” Patty rolls her eyes. “Okay, I’ll be there soon. See ya.” She hangs up the phone. “We’ve got a ghost to bust.” She says as she stands up.  
“Make sure Erin gets coated in slime.”  
“It’ll be a cold day in Hell when Erin Gilbert goes on a bust without getting coated in slime.” Patty laughs. She gives you a careful hug. “Focus on getting better, don’t worry about Holtz.”   
“Okay, I will.” You lie as Patty walks out of the room. You can’t help but worry about Holtzmann and where your relationship will go from there.


	37. Chapter 37

Every day for the last month, either Abby, Patty, or Erin came to visit you and rant about Dr. Gorin. Today it was Erin’s turn.  
“Hey.” A quiet voice says from outside your door.  
“Hey, Erin.” You sigh, trying to sound happy.  
“You okay?”  
“Yeah, just tired of being stuck in this room.”  
“The doctor said we could take you out for some fresh air today.”  
“Want to go for a ride?” Another voice asks as Erin is pushed into the room and Holtzmann forces herself into your view. She pauses, looking at you. “You look like hell.”  
“I’ve been to hell.” You say with a laugh. Holtzmann hadn’t seen you since you had a bunch of wires and tubes coming out of your body.   
“Yeah,” Jillian says with a short laugh. The room feels awkward as neither of you knows what to say. “So, about that ride?” She asks almost anxiously after a moment of silence. She fidgets with her necklace, waiting for you to answer.   
“I’d love to go on a ride with you.” You smile reassuringly. You’ve known Holtzmann long enough to know that she’s had a tornado inside of her and now she’s trying to repair the damage she thinks she’s done to those around her. Holtzmann’s face lights up with surprise like she expected you to say you didn’t want to go. A shy smile spreads across her lips.   
“I’ll help you get dressed.” She says softly. “If you want.” She adds quickly.  
“Sure.” You smile. She nods and takes a red button up shirt out of the dresser by your bed. The undoes the hospital gown you’re gown you’re wearing and pauses for a moment at the sight of the scars on your body from the many surgeries you’ve had. She gently touches one on your shoulder, studying it. She’s lost in the scars, feeling their texture and warmth. You enjoy her soft touch, the feel of her calloused but soft fingers seem to linger on your shoulder. “I’m okay.” You take her out of her trance.  
“I-I know.” She says quickly, taking her hand back. You reach for it and take it in your hand. “It’s okay. We’re both okay.” You say gently as you place her hand back on your shoulder. She nods and continues to help you with the shirt. You do up the buttons as Jillian gets a pair of jeans that once fit, but were now several sizes too large since being in the hospital. She puts them on you and notices that they’re too big. “We’re going out for pizza when you get out.” She says quietly. It’s her way of saying she’s worried about how much weight you’ve lost. To be honest, you hadn’t noticed until you put on your clothes.  
“Absolutely.” You smile at her. She helps you with your shoes and helps you into a wheelchair. “Are you coming?” You ask Erin.  
“No, I have some paperwork to fill out.” She smiles at the two of you. “Have fun and stay out of trouble.” She says more to Jillian than to you.  
“I have a fun adventure planned,” Holtzmann says almost deviously as she wheels you out to the Ecto-1.   
“Should I be afraid?” You smile genuinely. She leans over to you; her necklace feels like a small weight on your chest.  
“You’re never afraid.” She whispers with a laugh.


End file.
